Awaiting Spring....

Maggie and I are truly awaiting spring. We are both fed up and over winter. Well Maggie is fed up with me trying to make her do exercises in the house and would rather just get out and walk and run to stretch her legs, instead of my crazy exercises to help her.
Basically we don't know if anything is getting better. She runs away when she sees me coming, as I will "mess" with her leg. 10 inches of snow hampered any outside excursions. While Maggie LOVES snow, 10+ inches is just to much when you are up to your neck in snow. Her legs are only 10 inches long. Then having a pulled groin muscle, I am sure was not helpful. In addition, while they did shovel the sidewalks in my development, there was no grass to be found, no where to walk... and so we hung out in the house.
This weekend we had a nice warm up to 60 degrees and we went out to stretch out legs and boy did it feel good. Sadly it is short lived and tomorrow it all changes back to winter here. March is not looking promising, cold temps are coming back. Now the question is how do I trick her back into doing her exercises inside and not running off to hide.
Time shall tell. :)

Caring for those you are entrusted with....

I feel like crap today... I let down Miss Maggie once again. I am not saying I can't make a mistake or won't make a mistake, no one is perfect. I just feel bad that I just don't understand her.
Apparently Miss Maggie is in quite a bit of pain and has been... just like the darn hindsight showed me she was sick for quite awhile before beginning her cancer treatments. I feel like I just don't get it, am I really not seeing what she is trying to tell me? Or is she hiding it really well. I think it is the later...
For while I am not one to over react to every little thing that occurs, I do have a wait and see attitude but I do have her best interest at heart.
I have noticed the past few months that she has been limping, not walking at a full stride. We tried some painkillers and exercise for a short time and that helped her. I had thought on looking into the Rehab department with the Hope Center in the future, perhaps when things had progressed more, I mean I was thinking this was just old dog-ness...
But at our last appointment the Oncologist said it could be a good thing for her. He thought they might have openings a few weeks out... we asked, they had one this week... well, why not I thought advice is always a good thing and it doesn't hurt to just see what they have to say.
So this Wed found ourselves at the rehab center waiting for our appointment... then it found us realizing she has level 2 arthritis perhaps a low 3. While that is a concern there is something more immediate that needs our attention... She is limping, she has a strained groin muscle that is flaming in heat, she has some super tight, spasming muscles... she is pretty uncomfortable... I never saw it. I would have given her the pain pills we had, but didn't think she was in pain.
She does hide her pain; also I have never seen her in pain. When I have known she has hurt herself she acts as if she isn't.
I realize that she really will walk to the end of the earth for me, do anything, has full trust in me... and I feel like I just let her down. It is fine though we are on the right path, we are getting relief and now I know. Also it just amazes me even more how wonderful this dog is. She really is an angel, someone special. I am truly blessed to have her in my life.
So there are not great words of wisdom tonight, no revelations... just a thought I need to post a blog and this is a new event in our journey of life... and something we as Animal Care Takers in this life need to remember and look out for. Don't just ask if something is wrong, look twice and a third time then go find out.

2013 A Year in Review

To me the beginning of a new year tends to be around my birthday. A time I make new plans, resolutions, look back and take a general assessment of everything. But this one is a bit different.

A year ago my life changed, not in an overly dramatic way, but enough to cause me to sit back and say "Wow". Last year Maggie was in the ER, finally stable after a pericardial effusion scare, only to be faced with the word Cancer. What amazes me is that I wasn't scared, I didn't have that floor dropping feeling of dread, I was ready to face whatever this was to be. And Wow, what a journey it has been.

With a diagnosis of Lymphoma, incurable but treatable, a good chance of remission... we started on Chemotherapy for 5 months. Weekly Dr. visits and routines of medications, good days and bad days, became the pattern of Spring; But Maggie being the trooper she is, she taught me a lot about fighting, outlook, and how sometimes just taking a nap solves everything. I've discovered that my dog is my hero.

I found comfort though in that time, I had a direction, a goal, something that I still can't find a word for but I know I am looking for it. A purpose... On June 4 she was determined to be in clinical remission... and off we went to "live life" Now was time to check off that bucket list and just enjoy every moment, which we did, and have and a new saying I have is... Life is just too short...
But every day that passes, every hour, moment and such... well, soon we fell back into the routine of life and had to be reminded to enjoy it. But there were moments that reminded us. Our monthly Vet visits stretched into 2 months, to 3 months... with the promise that we send pictures, updates, and drop off cookies.
Mid Summer I accomplished a major goal... which was a bit like saying goodbye to an old friend. I paid off a long term debt that I have been carrying around for years and years. Waiting for someday to come when I would pay it off. About 5 years ago I got serious about paying it off. Along with a few unexpected expenses, figuring it all out, and getting used to it, buying a condo, quite a few car repairs and Maggie's Chemo expenses. I paid off that debt in a 4 year period. I still am paying on Maggie's expenses but that is okay, that is new debt... not one I have been putting off for years and years.
I have also done a lot of soul searching, or understanding really this year. I have learned quite a bit about myself and realized a lot about my family. I had thought when Maggie was diagnosed that they would be there for me. Everyone says "when it all comes down to it, it is family that is there for you" Yet, they weren't. Close family that is... some extended family was there, but then they don't live here. But it was with friends that I found my support group in, unexpected places. I realized that sometimes you have to accept that you can't count on those people and you have to lean on others, and as I have always known... you really are on this journey all alone, lean on God. It was hard to realize certain people are... well, people themselves and they have faults and shortcomings too. But boy how life changes when you realize and accept that and them for who and what they are. Also realize it is not really their fault but perhaps their parents, and their parents before them...
The fall came, I became more involved with the Ballet Studio and helped with Nutcracker Rehearsals, documenting everything, BOY was that a project. It has been a special dream come true. I don't have the confidence to teach, I didn't have the confidence to dance, BUT I have special dear friends who have allowed me to be a part of their school and live out my dreams. To help them out and be a part of the rehearsals, performances, and to watch these young girls dream and follow along the path I once went, I only hope I can encourage them to be more, and do more, and perhaps have the confidence to try, and find the love of Ballet that I have.
This year had a lot of fun moments, moments of recreating friendships that I had lost, or not really had. With the 25th reunion of High School and Facebook connections, it was time to actually meet with these people to really for those friendships that we have formed online with out all the teenage issues involved. I have had a great time reuniting with people I have known for years but just now have found things in common with. I have gotten back in touch with childhood friends. Realizing a bit that those are your true friends, they know you "back then" when you were who you really are, they accepted you then and now, and you are true friends.
So now this Christmas, Holiday, New Year season I find myself being a bit reflective and looking back on my year and realizing, I did a lot of growing, I went through a lot, I have handled a lot... and well I think I have done a great job, come out on the top side and am really excited for 2014. As the groundwork has been laid for an even greater year this year. Sadly I know this might be the year I have to say goodbye to Miss Maggie, but I do know that until that time we shall just take every moment that comes and enjoy it. Perhaps that is what New Year's Is All about Charlie Brown....

Happy 11th Birthday Miss Maggie!

Happy Birthday! Her birthday just happens to coincide with mine. No, I didn't make it up, she truly was born on Sept 15th 2002. Do I love her any more or less then the others that have passed through my life? No, if you know me, you know they all have a special place in my heart, even the ones that aren't mine.
But this birthday is a bit more special than the others. For it is one that might not have come. Earlier in the year at New Years I was not sure of the path we were going to follow, not sure what decisions I would have to make, or what was in store for us. I will admit that once I committed to Chemotherapy I fully believed that we would have remission for 2 years, that one day nature would just take it's course and Maggie will leave this world in a natural way of old age. Okay part of that is unrealistic and I am aware and prepared to have to decided when the time is the time. But I did know we would find remission and it would be a long one. What I did not know was how wonderful this journey would be, how amazing she is and how she is my hero.
Some of our adventures are chronicled here, some are not. Basically her strong will, being a bull in a china shop, knowing what she wants and not "leaving off" it until she got it, our schedule and routine of exercise, medications, and rest days, allowed this to be a joyful experience. I didn't need to reach out for the support of everyone through the blog. Though just knowing you were there if I needed you was help in itself. I found the strength everyday in her eyes, her will to go on.
So currently she is 3&1/2 months in remission, she is full of energy, her hair is growing back, she has a tail again! We had monthly visits to the Oncologist who would say "go home, have fun, you are too well to be here". It was comforting when she greeted everyone with a butt moving tail wag, and everyone would come out to say hello to her, they really did love her and miss her. I also feel so blessed when the Oncologist said "I really am so pleased with her, I really did not think we would be at this point today when we first met in January." I want to say to him "we shall be here for many years to come" but who knows about that.
So she runs, she plays, she chews her bones. Greeting each new day as another day we have together, we try to make the most of it. But time also moves on and you get comfortable, fall back into the old ways, thinking there is tomorrow for that long walk or run on the golf course at night. We are back into our normal routine of life, and that is good. Though I do need to remember that everyday is precious. And as much as I realize every year I get to have a birthday myself, to be alive myself, is a joy, I do realize it too with her. I am so blessed to have know this dog, to know her spirit, for it is an amazing strong spirit. She is my teacher, my mentor, my companion, my soul mate in many ways. I have been so honored to have her in my life.

The New Normal

If you had said my life would be like this 4 months ago, I wouldn't have believed you. But I also would have said sure I can do this. Cancer treatment has involved weekly visits to the Vet, days of just relaxing and letting the meds to the work. Days of anemia and low blood counts. And the good days. For the past 4 months we have embraced every day.
At the same time we have been fully blessed. There have not been hard days or days of extreme sickness. Slight nausea and low red blood cell counts have been our worse days. Early on was harder than now, yet I tell God... I can handle more. Yet he does not give it to me, he has made this a wonderful journey. I have met wonderful people, found again a new outlook on life.
I think back on what Miss Maggie has taught me on our Journey with Cancer, and it is to greet each new day with a smile, a wag of the tail, with enthusiasm. To walk in to the clinic with joy, excitement and a "HI, I am here!" attitude. To get through each night after treatment with a patient, stoic determination... to embrace life and live it all.
I have realized that through out her whole life she has been teaching me this. Even as a crazy puppy, even as an older dog... she meets everyone as if they are her best friend that has been gone for 5 years. she wakes each day ready to have fun. Everything is done 110%.
The last 2 years I have thought I have an "old" dog. She was slowing down, I thought this is the time that we pace ourselves, that we embrace each day, but can't enjoy them to the fullest like we did before. Then we had the Cancer diagnosis and that had changed ALOT. She once again has the love of life she had before. She has taught me to never give up, to expect nothing and appreciate everything. In a month we are done with Chemotherapy, our weekly Vet appointments will end. What do we do then? What is life to be like. Oh we shall enjoy every moment we have together and we shall live it all to the fullest.
We also shall be learning a "new Normal".. We have already learned how to live our New Normal of weekly appointments and life with Cancer treatment... now we shall learn how to live life, to fully live life until it is over.

A March lamb becomes a lion....

February time frame....
Maggie has entered the 2nd cycle of treatment, we have just completed the second week of 5. It is rather coincidental that all of this has occurred at this time of year. Winter and Lent....

It will get worse before it gets better, there is a basic adrenaline rush in the beginning, you are excited for each week, new experiences and such. It all passes in a whirlwind. But the second cycle is harder than the first. Time seems to move slower, each week takes longer to come about. You have time to reflect on what you are doing, you realize that you are close to 1/2 way done which is great, and yet you have just that much longer to go. What was difficult before is now harder, and you know it will just get harder the next cycle through.

Just like the time of winter, how many weeks will the temperature go down, when will it start to go up. Winter has always been a time I just get through, watching each day for a little bit more sunshine, the sun setting later everyday. Finally over time Winter gives way to spring, to sunny days and warmer temps. I am renewed, ready to clean house, to start over and seize the day. Spring comes and new plants, a rebirth of such.

Is it a coincidence that Easter occurs at this time each year. For this is a time of change, a time to resolve to do something, better, different, or just to put away what was before and move on to what is new. 

Time has passed and now we are at the end of March and Easter is upon us... I thought of starting all over but this corresponds to what was said before. 

Miss Maggie is 1/2 way through treatment, what seemed like a time that would drag on has passed. But now like the saying of the month of March "in like a lamb out like a lion", the next cycle is likely to be different. The month of March this year was just like that, it was mild in the beginning and now it is cold, and snow, rain, and well, just time for warmer temps that are not happening.

Chemotherapy has been that way, the first 1/2 was mild, easy at times. Oh there were a few bad days but really less than 8 in 10 weeks is wonderful. BUT now the next cycle is upon us and it just might be worse than it has been. I am prepared, but scared at the same time. Cancer is nothing to really laugh at, don't say it is easy for it just might come back to haunt you. Just as it has been, the past few months have been easy, manageable... so now we are in for it, the March lion is upon us. I pray that he is gentle and remembers; as the lion with a thorn in his paw, to be kind and gentle and forgiving.

At the Bus Stop

The past few months I have been working the morning shift at work. This involves me getting up and leaving  earlier in the morning. Please understand why this is an ordeal as I am not a morning person, generally it is not wise or productive to talk to me till after 8:30 or 9am. I am just not really ready to deal with all the stuff in the world in a happy, kind, loving way. It is kinda like a morning cup of coffee thing, only I don't drink coffee.
So since I am working earlier this puts me in the Morning traffic pattern. If I don't leave the house before 8:40am I have to sit and wait 5 min for the school bus to load at the stop down the street, because it is for a whole development of kids. If I work earlier, don't leave by 8:25am and if I have to mail something, I end up behind another bus stop of a whole development of kids for 5 min.
At first I would be upset if I did not make the turn before the bus and fume as I was sitting there obeying the signs. Then I started realizing that as I was sitting there waiting for the 20 plus kids to get on the bus, seated and settled before that flashing stop sign closes, was that the car was heating up, it was warmer and kinda nice. My fingers thawed, I could take off the 2 hats & gloves, I wasn't so upset to sit here waiting. Now most of these days I was in the left lane as I had tried to speed past the bus before it stopped. One day I was in the right lane, right behind the bus.
Being in the right hand lane was the right lane to be in... It was here I realized there was more like 30+ kids at this bus stop. But also there were 15+ parents standing there, waiting with the kids for the bus, chatting with each other, watching to make sure the kids don't run in the street, that they line up nicely to board the bus. Then as the kids were settling in on the bus, those same parents all stood there waiting, laughing, smiling... and waving to the kids as they went off to school.
Suddenly, peace came over me, I smiled, I thought of the kids feeling so special to have someone wave goodbye to them, to wait and say have a nice day, I love you. Some parents were dressed to then go on to work, some dressed to spend the day at home, some I could tell were still in their pajamas and I think of how they were lucky to get to the bus stop in time. I started to smile, watching these parents... and as they waved to their kids as the bus pulled away, I found myself waving to them as I pulled by. As if to say, thank you for caring, for being there for your kids, thank you for sending them off with a smile, love. They waved back... thank you for sending me off with a smile and a Have a Good Day...
Now as I turn the corner in the mornings I hope that I am going to be stopped behind that bus for 5 minutes to be part of a special morning routine. And I do end up having a good day, I also wish that I could be there in the afternoon when bus drops everyone off, I hope those same parents are there waiting to say, welcome home, I love you.

The end of the beginning....

I have been trying to formulate a thought, direction, or clear meaning into what I want to say... I do have other things to talk about other than the Dog's progress... and yet that is all that I can put into clear thoughts. So for lack of getting my act together this week, I shall just let you know...
Miss Maggie is doing WONDERFUL!!!  She is surprising everyone, which really is not a surprise if you know Maggie. IRWS's do everything at 110%, so our ups will be amazing, our downs will be dramatic and stressful, but she is a fighter and rather determined to do it her own way.
I remember years ago when she was puppy, I was reading up on the breed to learn what I had just gotten myself into. It was called a "discernible determination"... meaning tenacious. She will try to do something, you will say No, she will try to do the same thing a different way, for you did not tell her she couldn't do it the new way. You had to be very specific, for they were very smart, and she has proven to be that. Nothing is ever approached the same way twice in this house and I feel as if even now 10 years later I am still in training.
We are in week 4 of treatment and she has confounded the Oncologist each time. He is surprised how well she does, how she bounces back after a set back and how strong she is. I told him "by the time this is all over you will be writing a book, for this dog will make history." He says it is due to my love for her, my understanding and care, my diligence to be her voice in these moments. But there is more.
I know we are in the Honeymoon phase with Cancer, we have just met, been involved a short time and every day is still so precious and new. The hard times, the trying times, the ones where you feel the end is so far off, those days are to come I am sure. I just hope that the strong love & relationship that Maggie and I already have will guide us through the path we are to travel. We are at the end of the beginning, when you are becoming familiar with the routine of doctors, sickness (which we have not seen), and recovery days.
We are passing 1000 kilometers of our 5000 kilometer journey, we eagerly travel to the middle of our journey, though some doubt sets in, we still push on for we can do this, our determination and drive are still fresh and strong. I know the past few weeks have been worth all that we shall go through, no matter what the end is to be, for I have had my puppy back, the one that greets me at the door with a tennis ball, demands I pay attention to her and loves to rest her head in my lap after a day of running in the woods.... Though we have only made it up to walking around the big circle, the woods are not far beyond.

Beyond all that surround yourself each day with good people, happy people, people that have strong understandings and resolutions in who they are, what they believe. I try to maintain that each day, to be around the positive people, only due to situations, I can not leave just yet, I have to be around those that are not like this. Perhaps that is my mission to be the one that encourages them to be good, happy, strong... Or perhaps this is a test of my faith to maintain my determination. Either way as much as I want to complain about them and vent my frustrations, I find myself writing about how to understand, be patient and figure out how to walk with Jesus in these moments.

A little bit of wandering in the woods...

I am not sure the direction this post will take... It might just amble along and have a destination later... or it might be the beginning of a path with many turns, leading to who knows where....
I have many thoughts rattling around in my head, trying to figure themselves out and be processed in all the right way. I am a bit taken back by a few, some are expected, and quite a few have blown me away in the amount of support I didn't expect.
We took a week of from posting. Everything was so wonderful, official week 2 of Chemo therapy (really week 3) Was going really well, we took the week off from posting to get caught up on all those things that slip through the cracks. And to focus on the moments in our live... I thought Cancer HA, what a big deal, we can do this. Yes, it will get worse, but so far we can handle this and more. Be careful in what you say, in what you wish for and who you make fun of... for Cancer has smacked us in the face for a bit.
As far as medication, illness... all was well, all was manageable... and I can do all that, we can beat this thing, or at least knock it out for a bit. Test come back with improvements, levels improving, everything is positive on paper. Life isn't on paper.
Then there was the side effects... I don't mean the general ones of nausea, upset stomach, lack of appetite, for she has none of that. There is the unexpected bruising, the moments of coming home and she is laying on the kitchen floor saying "why can't I get up and where have you been"... I would have come if I had known.
For me that is the worst side effect, is being away when she needs me, and there is no way for her to tell me or for me to know. For I would rush home if I could, otherwise I think all is fine. Or do I expect the worse and create all kinds of situations to the point of I will never leave the house?
Last night we had another one... unknown pain, nausea, general upset... that she could not communitcate to me. All that really needed to be done was to lay down and take a nap, but she could not relax long enough to do that. It might not solve all the problems in the world but it sure helps. Only I couldn't explain that to her. For some reason being in the car seemed to make her feel better, I don't know if it is the same theory as a colicky baby, the vibration of the car... though she was still restless, she did seem better.
BUT not being spring or summer or fall, it was too cold to sit in the car all night... back inside she could not settle down, so after another 15 min we headed off to the ER Vet. I didn't really care to find out why she had pain, it was the cancer, there is no real solution. There were other issues we could have worked up and addressed. Basically she was not doing well and needed something to help her rest and sleep. For sleep heals all. In time they checked a few levels, and few images... and all is still "normal" go figure... she presents as a Dog doing a great job on Chemo. But the big ole black bruise on her inner leg, of unknown origin and Her restlessness couldn't really be explained.
Yet I am a realist in many ways (and a dreamer too)... I didn't care for a full explanation, it was the cancer is enough for me. My question is how to we make it go away so she does not feel the pain, being uncomfortable, restlessness.... They gave her a stronger pain killer and home we went, $500 for Buprenex & Benedryl basically, but we knew that and tried to put it off, only it was Sunday....
Anyways after about an hour she slept, a good snoring sleep, a deep sleep where I could get up and do the dishes and she wouldn't move abit. That went on for 2 hours and a good thing it did, for it was needed.
No, she is not totally well, it is a quiet night of resting, sleeping, and lying around. Who knows what any of that means, but just like when you get a cold or flu, a good night's sleep helps all.
Today I thought to myself and I know I have come to that acceptance... that if this moment is the end of all our moments then I am ready. I can let go, not sure I truly can... but she is dying, and I can accept that. I still hold on to our dream (the wish our heart makes) of getting through the next 20 weeks with no issues and having 3 years of remission to run and play and live again. I am not ready to let go of that dream, but I am ready to accept that tonight I might have to decide that enough is enough. I accept that I might have to make that decision, but I am not ready to do it too lightly.
There is the other side too, the ones that I know in my heart will support me in what I decide to do. Those people are likely the ones that will be standing beside me when I make that hard choice in life. For they have stood beside me before. Yet, while I understand what they are saying, I appreciate their honesty, but right now I am not ready to travel that road yet. It will get worse before it gets better and right now what is better is not that direction, not yet. I have too much hope and faith in my heart still. God has not told me that enough is enough. For I will know when that moment has come, I have faith in that.
We have tried, we gave it a shot, we are still trying, we want to give it another shot... but what God wills is what will be... I just pray that I understand his will and have the strength...  For I truly am not ready to do this yet, but I know that when I am, if I need it that room will be filled with Many people (all of you) to help stand by me on this journey....
May we not have to walk along that path just yet.

It is not a straight line from Here to There....

Life is a journey. Two roads diverged in the wood, and I took the one less traveled. I take solace in these statements and the many more that talk about how the trials and tribulations make the journey worth more than the end. All of those moments have given me faith.
Faith - belief that it will happen, it will work out, it will be what is to be. For some reason that still is not fully revealed to me and I can not explain, I have faith. I have that gut feeling that it will be alright, it will work out, and yet when, perhaps, it does not work out the way it is suppose to be, I have faith that it is working out this way because this is the way it should be. I have had to develop this in my life for life goes on even when you just want it to stop.
IF everything worked out the way I wanted it, I would be a Veterinarian, I would be a Doctor, I would have graduated the top of my class, I would be a Prima Ballerina, I would be married with 5 kids. I would be living on my farm with my dogs, my horses, cows, a few pigs, and chickens. It would all be the way I planned it in kindergarten.
YET, it is not a straight line from here to there. There are right turns, left turns, bends in the road and perhaps a mountain or two and a cliff I've walked away from once or twice. Some of these I have taken on my own accord and some of these were not of my choosing. But I have discovered over time and my long years that I am just where I am suppose to be in life. All those twist and turns in the road, the brick walls and creeks to ford, have brought me to be the person I am. Someone who still believes somehow, someway, it will work out the way I dreamed it would be.
That all being said the past few weeks I have been on a roller coaster, Miss Maggie got sick Christmas Day night, she went to the Vet ER and recovered rather well, quickly and very positively. Only we had the diagnosis of Cancer. Lymphoma to be specific, and yet also general as there is no specific tumor or location, she just has cancer. Now see earlier last year we were working on her skin condition, finally getting that under control on long term prednisone, which has it's share of side affects that occur with long term use (long term meaning 3-5 years, we shall be lucky for that amount of time). There were lumps, bumps that occured, but we would address them later, turns out later is now. No, we haven't tested them, but then who really cares apparently something is cancerous and well we are treating it. I might be crazy, overly hopeful, but well I feel she deserves a chance. On basic prednisone she has a few months at best. On another treatment that is not very effective to this type of cancer she has 6 months and quite a few of them sick. On Chemo she has a shot for remission for 10-15 months. I know not a whole lot... but well it is alot longer than a few months. We shall see how it goes, how she tolerates it, how much pain she is in.... for it is all about her, not me (even though I am not ready to let go just yet either). I might be crazy, I think I am, but there is farther along this path in the woods that Maggie and I am to travel, there is something more that we are to learn, to do, to find. And just a few more tennis balls that need to be collected just yet.

On a new journey....

10 years ago I started something called Maggie's Chronicles through email. I would send out thoughts, events, happenings to a group of people, about the antics of my puppy; for that was what was available.... I started this blog as a "modern" posting of stories, thoughts, events, and perhaps opinions, through the eyes of my dog. It was a big project, I faltered over time. Now I think I am in need of Maggie's Chronicles again.
I want to believe our 4 legged friends live forever, that you have all the time you will ever need, but they get older and their lives unfortunately are so much shorter than ours. Miss Maggie turned 10 this year, "Old Lady" age, this summer she seemed to slow down, she was gray, age was showing, I was hoping for 2 good years, 3 if I am lucky and praying for 4. But God has his own plans and they don't always follow ours.
Christmas Day night (the 25th) Miss Maggie stumbled and fell, she got back up and was alright. The next morning walk all was alright, our next walk proved to change things. She stopped leaned up against a tree and paused, I could tell she was not feeling right, further along she sat, then laid down... I knew then that we were off to the Vet. Upon arriving they found fluid in her belly and sent us off to the Emergency Vet. There we found the fluid was around her heart sac, in the pericardial sac. This was certain death. The fluid was drained and she bounced back right away. They kept her the night, some fluid returned, they tried to drain that but couldn't get it all. Cardiology doctors looked at her heart, it was good, strong, she did not have a heart problem. This was good news, encouraging.
As I arrived to pick her up that evening, the results of the first tap were back. She has Lymphoma, Cancer... one that is not curable but treatable. So it was up to talk with the Oncologist to figure out what this means. We have no answers yet, options, but not sure what they really are. Last night they started her on Chemotherapy Elspar... I figured she needed a chance, give it a shot, try a dose, see in a week what it does, is the Cancer going away or not, is she better or not. Then we can redefine what our options are with better information.
Oh I know there is cost, there is sickness, there is limits on time, but most of all there is Quality of Life... I hope to keep foremost in my mind. This is to be about her Quality of Life, not about my wishes... and it will be another hard decision I will have to make in life. I hope with the support, insight, and reason of the great people who will read this, I will be able to know and do what is right for Miss Maggie, to give her the best life and chance I can. I only hope that one day someone loves me enough to do the same for me.
Most of all that look in her eyes of excitement & life there at the beach, playing in the waves, is what drives me. As long as that look is there then she deserves all I can offer her.

working on it

HI,
Yes, I am around, I am here, I am still around.
I took time off for the summer, was going to post something during Mid-Summer, then the magic day was Labor Day... okay maybe after my birthday.... I will get back into it. I just have been well... taking a break. (and out of ideas for a bit)
So hang in there I am working on it. As you all know the creative process can not be forced... and for me right now... mine is hanging out at the pool... (which is closing soon)

Tennis Balls

I think we have finally reached maximum level of Tennis Balls allowed in the house. Recently while cleaning I counted them, 4 in the kitchen, 3 in the hall, 4 bedroom, 2 under the bed, 1 in the closet, 6 in the living room and 2 in the couch. I think of the process in how all these came to be in the house, while not having bought a single one. Maggie has found them all & like a new treasure carried them home. Living near tennis courts helps in our search.
It is a ritual of sorts. We we go out for a late night walk, head on the path that takes us by the tennis courts. She knows when the court lights are off then it is okay to pull me up to the door and ask to go in. Quietly we enter, she sits to have her leash removed and then the great search has begun. She is off on a systematic search that has not varied. This is of her own creation, I have tried to go a different way, she ignores me and runs around the perimeter checking the corners, under the side canvases and under the benches. A pile of leaves in the corner leads to a thorough search. Sometimes this results in a ball which follows with a run to the center of the court & looking at me saying "want to see what I found? You have to chase me." At which we then run and chase having a grand time with a new found treasure that I am not allowed to see.
If nothing was found she is off to the middle door separating the courts. First waiting, then asking if she can go, Maggie pushes open the door and is off on another search in the same pattern as the first. Sometimes this results in 2 or 3 balls being found and a game of catch will occur.
After she is finished with her search & rounds she heads back to the middle door, it is time to leave she is finished. I always amazes me how she enters & leaves through the same door. She will open the middle door herself but will not the outer doors. It is as if the other exterior door does not exist.
Yes, I believe Dogs are creatures of thought processes. There is something going on behind those big eyes.
If we have found a ball and it is time to leave, that ball is carried with us. Sometimes if there are multiple balls she tries to carry all of them home. I try to explain that we should only take one and leave the rest for others. Sometimes this occurs and sometimes she insists on 2 balls which she manages to carry in her mouth. The rule is she is needs to carry them home, which she proudly does.
Up on leaving she heads straight for home anxious to bring her new found treasure home. This leads to the next hour or so of her guarding & carrying that ball around. She doesn't confuse it with the "old" balls, this is the new one and favored one until we find another the next evening.

Decisions & Obligations...

This is nothing as "important" as before. But still, this week has been Decisions & Obligations.... I obligated myself to making a cake, so that is first priority, I also have a class each week, and a follow up dinner this week, then there are the calendars, and work. Decisions... I want to go to the gym, to the pool, to walk the dog, I need to finish the test in the studying I am doing, and I am having fun with the Candy Clay flowers involved in this cake. Added to all that is Mother's Day which I must be involved with, and My Sister's birthday which I just need to acknowledge, gift is a bonus. Beyond that there was a friends, a child's birthday, and then the Preakness. One action packed week. So I added a birthday cake for this weekend and work has decided to go on a schedule of craziness. Oh what am I to do?
The cake is going well, working well, and rather damn cool if I do say so. I am in a quandary about being paid for this. While they are willing to pay, and will, I am just not sure what to really charge... I mean my time is money, but still. Is it worth that much.
I have had a grand week over all, I have seen God a few times, searched a few times, and just well left everything up to him a few times too. I have wondered what to address this week's blog too... and I have come to the conclusion that I am not quite ready for this week to come about.
At first I was going to write about the Preakness and my obsession with racing. About the beauty of a horse running down the stretch and how I have no idea what I am doing in Handicapping a race. But then there was the moment of seeing Pauline's husband and hearing his laughter, God in disguise, and Daysi at the party, being SO excited to see me there. That was the hand of God too. They both made me feel the joy of God. Then there was Mother's Day, a day of mixed emotions for me. But nothing came together. Miss Maggie went swimming in the lake for the first time this year, I missed making dinner for Mother's Day. There are plenty of postings in all of that. Then there is the cake...which is going well so I don't have much to say on that so far.
So it is a week of busyness... I have things going on, perhaps I will form full thoughts on them later, but right now... Wow, I am busy. I will land the ship later.

The Woods

There is a place that to me is a little bit of Heaven & Magic. I love going out to the woods, a 300 or so acre park or natural area, here in the heart of Fairfax County. There are a few streams running through it, hills, and paths intertwine. I love how it has been left up to nature (in most aspects) trees fall, paths change, and it evolves naturally over time. In a day and age where everything is accessible for all, and carefully managed and landscaped, it is wonderful to find a place that has been able to be left in its natural beauty, to the forces of nature and time.
I have grown up here, I have changed over time with these trees. Places have changed, things fallen and lost, new growth and changes. It is a place that challenges you, to test your skills and abilities. Trees have fallen on to the path challenging you to go around them and find a new way or to climb over and under them surmounting the obsticle in your way. The stream has wandered and changed, forged a new way bringing in rocks & sand, changing the banks and rapids, even washing away a bridge.There is a trail now that many years ago used to be a dirt road, now there is one dirt trail with grass growing on each side, who used to travel down this dirt road, where were they going. Like these woods time has made changes, small ones, big ones, things you can not see until years later when they are ready to be noticed, changes in me.
Like walking through the wardrobe, falling down the rabbit hole or sailing off into the mythical fog; A few steps in to the woods and you are lost from every one & every thing. The sounds of everyday mechanical life disappear replaced with birds chirping, unknown animals scampering around. You can let your mind run wild, for you don't know if around the next bend you will encounter a squirrel, birds, fox, deer, a snake or walk into a spider's web, or a magical talking wolf. You learn to take each step as it comes, to accept what is, and be prepared for the next.
Off the path I see a new trail beginning to form, not cleared away and clearly marked, but just a faint path of crushed leaves & I follow it. Slowly the trail fades away and I am in a magical space. Fields of ferns slowly unfolding in the morning warmth, I wonder of the mythical brownies, fairies & trolls that live among them. I also wonder of who was here before me. These trees have been growing for hundreds of years; Others must have come and walked here too, who were they, what were their stories, did they come hunting for food? Fallen trees lay one after the other like dominoes and you wonder if anyone heard them fall. I also think of how did they fall? Was it a strong wind storm? or just time to lay down.  In the new pool of sunlight created, there is new growth an explosion of young trees and plants reaching for the sky, the race to see who will get to be the tallest.
I grew up here, walked these paths for many years and made a few new ones along the way. As a kid I used to run through the woods making my own way discovering, but now I stay on the trail as if stepping off I would be lost and not able to return. Am I afraid to take a chance, to find new worlds, to find my own path instead of following where others have gone? Perhaps, I am. Perhaps as you grow older you don't need a great challenge to have change occur. You accept that over time small changes happen and the path is never the same. Perhaps you know that in life you have to stay on the main path, that you can wander off for awhile to discover new things, but you return to that path as adult life requires you to remain the same and make small changes over time.
I am ready to jump off that worn path and forge on my own, but I still need to gather my bread crumbs to leave to be able to find my way back if I should need it. Though while I look at these woods as a place to change and challenge myself. I also look to the woods for comfort and security, that the trees and paths will be the same as before and will always welcome me back. Even as it & I change, I still find my sense of self here in the Woods.

Fresh Paint & a New You

I have been painting lately, no not a great work of art like Rembrandt, Picasso, or Monet.. I have been painting the house, room by room. I have found colors on the reject, messed up rack at Home Depot. You can get a gallon of paint for $5.00... but you have to accept the choices you are given, there are no requests to be made, you take what comes, what you get and make do. A lot like life.
Out of about 10 areas, I have painted 5 fully, 2 partially, and I have come to a realization. Fresh paint is like creating a new you. I have found that you enter a different mindset when you paint versus living in the same white walls. By painting I find you commit to deal with the issues, to accept the good & the bad & live with it. You can change the bad, for in changing the bad it is like changing the paint, this is an external process but causes internal changes. You are changing or wanting to change instead of just accepting the same old situation.
I feel a sense of permanence when I paint a room. I no longer feel I am living in an apartment that I can move from easily. I have ownership, the place is mine and I can do what I want with it. I could paint the place in bold wild colors, blue, black, red, stripes or polka dots and not have to worry about changing it until I am ready to leave.
Painting also makes you create a commitment. You take time to decide to a color but once it is on the walls there is no going back you have committed to finishing out the room in that color. While you can repaint the walls or change your mind, you are committed to initial aspects of painting and following through.
You are restoring something back to new, taking away the scratches, the scuff marks and discoloration, making it clean and new again, a new start.
What I have found in painting is a new individuality and pride in doing it myself. I have a new sense of confidence in standing back and looking at a room that I have changed and made over. At first it is a bit overwhelming as taping the room, preparing it to paint, piece by piece you are moving closer to the changes but you still feel like it is such a big project. If you keep at it and persevere you make progress, changes and at some point can step back and see what has occurred, it inspires you to keep going and finish it out, to finishes the changes. Much like in changing yourself, at first it is a huge project, you can be discouraged, tempted back into your old ways, but if you keep at it one step at a time you make progress & at some point you can step back and see the progress you have made.

Words Hurt....

It is the people that are closest to us that hurt us the most, and yet they are also the people that are also the furthest from us. I am trying to be strong, to not let it hurt me. Perhaps they didn't mean what they said, perhaps they don't realize, perhaps they don't know. But it is those that are not suppose to hurt us that do hurt us the most with their words, unknowingly.

Each of us have memories of our childhoods, our lives, these memories form our perception of the way life is, our interpretation. 5 people can go through the exact same situation and have 5 totally different stories to tell about it. But no matter what, this is what makes us into the person we are, formulates our personality, our lives, and we are the ones that have to live our lives.I am trying to remember this at the moment, but still it doesn't make the harsh words hurt any less. 

To lay it all out, my sister and I do not get along, we do not understand each other, or more correctly I do not understand her, and often it is the words from family members that hurt the most. I try to believe that she does not realize this, that she does not understand how what she says hurts me so much. Since my family really never communicated and talked about our feelings how could she know that her random Facebook posts about how she loves being a mother, really hurt me, as I am not a mother. Or how does she understand that her emails back are often hurtful.

So between the tears and pain, I am trying not to read between the lines, and taking it for what it is. For I am sure that I have done the same to them.

Still it is the people that are closest to us that hurt us the most. I am trying to understand why, and accepting that I may never know. I wish that we all could be more sensitive to others, to their pains and hurts, to understand why they do not fully feel empowered, or understand how we can empower them. 

All in all it doesn't really matter, for we hurt, we cry, we morn, we sleep and awake the next day to reach out again and try again, hoping this time will be different. Just knowing one day we will understand it all.

But in the wake of it all, it is the support and kindness of others that boost me up. I reach out on Facebook myself and find "friends" that reach out, pull me up, hold me up, and let me know that once, for a time I was an important, positive part of their lives, that I have affected them, that I made a difference, and that I do matter. And for all of that I am forever grateful, for is those moments that keep me going, help me to wake up each day and try again, reminding me that I do matter, and for that reason alone I keep going on. I love all of you. Thank you.

failed....

Ahhh, I failed you all this week.... but I will get something up soon.

Hope, Faith & Expectations

The word of the week has been Hope. A positive, exciting, never ending word that opens up all kinds of feelings for me. Hope to me is like the ocean, forever reaching, never ending, possibilities.
Upon stating that the word of the day (which became the week) was Hope, it created a whole world of conversation, ideas and thoughts. The laughter in the room and what followed through out the day when I said I had Hope was pleasing. I believe that what happened was everyone looked inside, thought of the moments that they had Hope, that had positive outcomes and those good feelings welled up, they wanted to share them. We laughed, we smiled, we felt better, just by the word, the suggestion of Hope.
Then someone said... "do not have hope for you will only be let down in your expectations. It is better to not have hope and you will be happy with what you receive."  The bucket of cold water was thrown upon all of us. But those that fully believe, have faith, hung on to their hope and dried themselves off. Fighting back with all we could, that person who tried to bring in despair & reality was pushed back and Hope was Victorious. This went on through out the week.
How is hope, faith, expectations, and belief all tied in together? I think in many ways they are one in the same and can not exist with out the other. It is not specific to religion but, I have faith in Jesus & God, how do I maintain this faith? I have no tangible proof, no facts on what happens after you die. I just believe that there is more than just this to life, I believe there is a greater purpose.
I found out that while trying to not have hope. To just accept the way everything was that I could not just accept. I kept having hope that it could be better, that there is more than what meets the eye. Am I really the eternal optimist? The glass is half full person. I could not separate the Hope from the belief, from the faith. The despair, no expectations & acceptance that this was all there way, the way it will be, was just so depressing to me that I had to turn it away. I have to believe, I have to have hope, for it is what gets me up out of bed everyday, helps me to keep going, keeps me trying to be a better, kinder person.
I am reminded of the movie "The Neverending Story" how at the end Bastian is holding the last wish, what makes the whole universe live. If he gave up and didn't believe the world would cease to exist all of Fantasia would disappear. So hang on to your Hope and create new worlds.
Try it for a day, tell everyone the word for the day is Hope, and see the reactions. It will brighten your day.

Decisions

Decisions are something that I don't particularly like making and are rather difficult, but being a single person for all these years, I have had to learn how. Choosing a place for dinner, or what to eat takes me about 20 minutes or so, but that is because I like and will eat most anything.
Then there are those BIG decisions, the ones that have an effect on your life or others. Sometimes we need to make decisions that are difficult, sometimes we need to let people down. I have had such a week, I had to decide that I can not go to Texas to my God Daughter's senior recital. I have been agonizing over this for about 2 weeks, and this week I finally accepted that I just can't go. I am letting her down, I am not "being there" for her though I said I always would. But the long and the short of it is that I can't go.
While I want to support her dreams and accomplishments, I can't sacrifice my goals. I have been working towards a particular goal for the past 5 years and the end is in sight. Also I feel that if I take care of my situation I will be in a better position to help her in the future to reach her Goal. I hope that she sees it that way, one day.
Sometimes there are things that you have to do and you have to have the strength and focus to stick to it.
Why is it that we agonize over putting ourselves first? That we feel we are unworthy, or selfish when we decide to do things that take care of ourselves? I find this a strange, odd way of thinking that when we take care of our own situation, help ourselves, we are not relying on others to help us, so then we are helping others since they will not have the burden of taking care of us. As a teenager & young adult I really did not understand this, but now in my "Mid-life" I have figured this out, if I arrange all my arrangements, finances, and such, then this takes the burden off of others to allow them to live their lives to the fullest.
It troubles me that I have let her down. It troubles me about a lot of things that I have not been able to do. I only know that I am on the right path, I am staying on track and heading towards the finish line. That finish line will bring many prizes to all the winners. This is something I have to do.