This is nothing as "important" as before. But still, this week has been Decisions & Obligations.... I obligated myself to making a cake, so that is first priority, I also have a class each week, and a follow up dinner this week, then there are the calendars, and work. Decisions... I want to go to the gym, to the pool, to walk the dog, I need to finish the test in the studying I am doing, and I am having fun with the Candy Clay flowers involved in this cake. Added to all that is Mother's Day which I must be involved with, and My Sister's birthday which I just need to acknowledge, gift is a bonus. Beyond that there was a friends, a child's birthday, and then the Preakness. One action packed week. So I added a birthday cake for this weekend and work has decided to go on a schedule of craziness. Oh what am I to do?
The cake is going well, working well, and rather damn cool if I do say so. I am in a quandary about being paid for this. While they are willing to pay, and will, I am just not sure what to really charge... I mean my time is money, but still. Is it worth that much.
I have had a grand week over all, I have seen God a few times, searched a few times, and just well left everything up to him a few times too. I have wondered what to address this week's blog too... and I have come to the conclusion that I am not quite ready for this week to come about.
At first I was going to write about the Preakness and my obsession with racing. About the beauty of a horse running down the stretch and how I have no idea what I am doing in Handicapping a race. But then there was the moment of seeing Pauline's husband and hearing his laughter, God in disguise, and Daysi at the party, being SO excited to see me there. That was the hand of God too. They both made me feel the joy of God. Then there was Mother's Day, a day of mixed emotions for me. But nothing came together. Miss Maggie went swimming in the lake for the first time this year, I missed making dinner for Mother's Day. There are plenty of postings in all of that. Then there is the cake...which is going well so I don't have much to say on that so far.
So it is a week of busyness... I have things going on, perhaps I will form full thoughts on them later, but right now... Wow, I am busy. I will land the ship later.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
The Woods
There is a place that to me is a little bit of Heaven & Magic. I love going out to the woods, a 300 or so acre park or natural area, here in the heart of Fairfax County. There are a few streams running through it, hills, and paths intertwine. I love how it has been left up to nature (in most aspects) trees fall, paths change, and it evolves naturally over time. In a day and age where everything is accessible for all, and carefully managed and landscaped, it is wonderful to find a place that has been able to be left in its natural beauty, to the forces of nature and time.
I have grown up here, I have changed over time with these trees. Places have changed, things fallen and lost, new growth and changes. It is a place that challenges you, to test your skills and abilities. Trees have fallen on to the path challenging you to go around them and find a new way or to climb over and under them surmounting the obsticle in your way. The stream has wandered and changed, forged a new way bringing in rocks & sand, changing the banks and rapids, even washing away a bridge.There is a trail now that many years ago used to be a dirt road, now there is one dirt trail with grass growing on each side, who used to travel down this dirt road, where were they going. Like these woods time has made changes, small ones, big ones, things you can not see until years later when they are ready to be noticed, changes in me.
Like walking through the wardrobe, falling down the rabbit hole or sailing off into the mythical fog; A few steps in to the woods and you are lost from every one & every thing. The sounds of everyday mechanical life disappear replaced with birds chirping, unknown animals scampering around. You can let your mind run wild, for you don't know if around the next bend you will encounter a squirrel, birds, fox, deer, a snake or walk into a spider's web, or a magical talking wolf. You learn to take each step as it comes, to accept what is, and be prepared for the next.
Off the path I see a new trail beginning to form, not cleared away and clearly marked, but just a faint path of crushed leaves & I follow it. Slowly the trail fades away and I am in a magical space. Fields of ferns slowly unfolding in the morning warmth, I wonder of the mythical brownies, fairies & trolls that live among them. I also wonder of who was here before me. These trees have been growing for hundreds of years; Others must have come and walked here too, who were they, what were their stories, did they come hunting for food? Fallen trees lay one after the other like dominoes and you wonder if anyone heard them fall. I also think of how did they fall? Was it a strong wind storm? or just time to lay down. In the new pool of sunlight created, there is new growth an explosion of young trees and plants reaching for the sky, the race to see who will get to be the tallest.
I grew up here, walked these paths for many years and made a few new ones along the way. As a kid I used to run through the woods making my own way discovering, but now I stay on the trail as if stepping off I would be lost and not able to return. Am I afraid to take a chance, to find new worlds, to find my own path instead of following where others have gone? Perhaps, I am. Perhaps as you grow older you don't need a great challenge to have change occur. You accept that over time small changes happen and the path is never the same. Perhaps you know that in life you have to stay on the main path, that you can wander off for awhile to discover new things, but you return to that path as adult life requires you to remain the same and make small changes over time.
I am ready to jump off that worn path and forge on my own, but I still need to gather my bread crumbs to leave to be able to find my way back if I should need it. Though while I look at these woods as a place to change and challenge myself. I also look to the woods for comfort and security, that the trees and paths will be the same as before and will always welcome me back. Even as it & I change, I still find my sense of self here in the Woods.
I have grown up here, I have changed over time with these trees. Places have changed, things fallen and lost, new growth and changes. It is a place that challenges you, to test your skills and abilities. Trees have fallen on to the path challenging you to go around them and find a new way or to climb over and under them surmounting the obsticle in your way. The stream has wandered and changed, forged a new way bringing in rocks & sand, changing the banks and rapids, even washing away a bridge.There is a trail now that many years ago used to be a dirt road, now there is one dirt trail with grass growing on each side, who used to travel down this dirt road, where were they going. Like these woods time has made changes, small ones, big ones, things you can not see until years later when they are ready to be noticed, changes in me.
Like walking through the wardrobe, falling down the rabbit hole or sailing off into the mythical fog; A few steps in to the woods and you are lost from every one & every thing. The sounds of everyday mechanical life disappear replaced with birds chirping, unknown animals scampering around. You can let your mind run wild, for you don't know if around the next bend you will encounter a squirrel, birds, fox, deer, a snake or walk into a spider's web, or a magical talking wolf. You learn to take each step as it comes, to accept what is, and be prepared for the next.
Off the path I see a new trail beginning to form, not cleared away and clearly marked, but just a faint path of crushed leaves & I follow it. Slowly the trail fades away and I am in a magical space. Fields of ferns slowly unfolding in the morning warmth, I wonder of the mythical brownies, fairies & trolls that live among them. I also wonder of who was here before me. These trees have been growing for hundreds of years; Others must have come and walked here too, who were they, what were their stories, did they come hunting for food? Fallen trees lay one after the other like dominoes and you wonder if anyone heard them fall. I also think of how did they fall? Was it a strong wind storm? or just time to lay down. In the new pool of sunlight created, there is new growth an explosion of young trees and plants reaching for the sky, the race to see who will get to be the tallest.
I grew up here, walked these paths for many years and made a few new ones along the way. As a kid I used to run through the woods making my own way discovering, but now I stay on the trail as if stepping off I would be lost and not able to return. Am I afraid to take a chance, to find new worlds, to find my own path instead of following where others have gone? Perhaps, I am. Perhaps as you grow older you don't need a great challenge to have change occur. You accept that over time small changes happen and the path is never the same. Perhaps you know that in life you have to stay on the main path, that you can wander off for awhile to discover new things, but you return to that path as adult life requires you to remain the same and make small changes over time.
I am ready to jump off that worn path and forge on my own, but I still need to gather my bread crumbs to leave to be able to find my way back if I should need it. Though while I look at these woods as a place to change and challenge myself. I also look to the woods for comfort and security, that the trees and paths will be the same as before and will always welcome me back. Even as it & I change, I still find my sense of self here in the Woods.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Fresh Paint & a New You
I have been painting lately, no not a great work of art like Rembrandt, Picasso, or Monet.. I have been painting the house, room by room. I have found colors on the reject, messed up rack at Home Depot. You can get a gallon of paint for $5.00... but you have to accept the choices you are given, there are no requests to be made, you take what comes, what you get and make do. A lot like life.
Out of about 10 areas, I have painted 5 fully, 2 partially, and I have come to a realization. Fresh paint is like creating a new you. I have found that you enter a different mindset when you paint versus living in the same white walls. By painting I find you commit to deal with the issues, to accept the good & the bad & live with it. You can change the bad, for in changing the bad it is like changing the paint, this is an external process but causes internal changes. You are changing or wanting to change instead of just accepting the same old situation.
I feel a sense of permanence when I paint a room. I no longer feel I am living in an apartment that I can move from easily. I have ownership, the place is mine and I can do what I want with it. I could paint the place in bold wild colors, blue, black, red, stripes or polka dots and not have to worry about changing it until I am ready to leave.
Painting also makes you create a commitment. You take time to decide to a color but once it is on the walls there is no going back you have committed to finishing out the room in that color. While you can repaint the walls or change your mind, you are committed to initial aspects of painting and following through.
You are restoring something back to new, taking away the scratches, the scuff marks and discoloration, making it clean and new again, a new start.
What I have found in painting is a new individuality and pride in doing it myself. I have a new sense of confidence in standing back and looking at a room that I have changed and made over. At first it is a bit overwhelming as taping the room, preparing it to paint, piece by piece you are moving closer to the changes but you still feel like it is such a big project. If you keep at it and persevere you make progress, changes and at some point can step back and see what has occurred, it inspires you to keep going and finish it out, to finishes the changes. Much like in changing yourself, at first it is a huge project, you can be discouraged, tempted back into your old ways, but if you keep at it one step at a time you make progress & at some point you can step back and see the progress you have made.
Out of about 10 areas, I have painted 5 fully, 2 partially, and I have come to a realization. Fresh paint is like creating a new you. I have found that you enter a different mindset when you paint versus living in the same white walls. By painting I find you commit to deal with the issues, to accept the good & the bad & live with it. You can change the bad, for in changing the bad it is like changing the paint, this is an external process but causes internal changes. You are changing or wanting to change instead of just accepting the same old situation.
I feel a sense of permanence when I paint a room. I no longer feel I am living in an apartment that I can move from easily. I have ownership, the place is mine and I can do what I want with it. I could paint the place in bold wild colors, blue, black, red, stripes or polka dots and not have to worry about changing it until I am ready to leave.
Painting also makes you create a commitment. You take time to decide to a color but once it is on the walls there is no going back you have committed to finishing out the room in that color. While you can repaint the walls or change your mind, you are committed to initial aspects of painting and following through.
You are restoring something back to new, taking away the scratches, the scuff marks and discoloration, making it clean and new again, a new start.
What I have found in painting is a new individuality and pride in doing it myself. I have a new sense of confidence in standing back and looking at a room that I have changed and made over. At first it is a bit overwhelming as taping the room, preparing it to paint, piece by piece you are moving closer to the changes but you still feel like it is such a big project. If you keep at it and persevere you make progress, changes and at some point can step back and see what has occurred, it inspires you to keep going and finish it out, to finishes the changes. Much like in changing yourself, at first it is a huge project, you can be discouraged, tempted back into your old ways, but if you keep at it one step at a time you make progress & at some point you can step back and see the progress you have made.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Words Hurt....
It is the people that are closest to us that hurt us the most, and yet they are also the people that are also the furthest from us. I am trying to be strong, to not let it hurt me. Perhaps they didn't mean what they said, perhaps they don't realize, perhaps they don't know. But it is those that are not suppose to hurt us that do hurt us the most with their words, unknowingly.
Each of us have memories of our childhoods, our lives, these memories form our perception of the way life is, our interpretation. 5 people can go through the exact same situation and have 5 totally different stories to tell about it. But no matter what, this is what makes us into the person we are, formulates our personality, our lives, and we are the ones that have to live our lives.I am trying to remember this at the moment, but still it doesn't make the harsh words hurt any less.
To lay it all out, my sister and I do not get along, we do not understand each other, or more correctly I do not understand her, and often it is the words from family members that hurt the most. I try to believe that she does not realize this, that she does not understand how what she says hurts me so much. Since my family really never communicated and talked about our feelings how could she know that her random Facebook posts about how she loves being a mother, really hurt me, as I am not a mother. Or how does she understand that her emails back are often hurtful.
So between the tears and pain, I am trying not to read between the lines, and taking it for what it is. For I am sure that I have done the same to them.
Still it is the people that are closest to us that hurt us the most. I am trying to understand why, and accepting that I may never know. I wish that we all could be more sensitive to others, to their pains and hurts, to understand why they do not fully feel empowered, or understand how we can empower them.
All in all it doesn't really matter, for we hurt, we cry, we morn, we sleep and awake the next day to reach out again and try again, hoping this time will be different. Just knowing one day we will understand it all.
But in the wake of it all, it is the support and kindness of others that boost me up. I reach out on Facebook myself and find "friends" that reach out, pull me up, hold me up, and let me know that once, for a time I was an important, positive part of their lives, that I have affected them, that I made a difference, and that I do matter. And for all of that I am forever grateful, for is those moments that keep me going, help me to wake up each day and try again, reminding me that I do matter, and for that reason alone I keep going on. I love all of you. Thank you.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Hope, Faith & Expectations
The word of the week has been Hope. A positive, exciting, never ending word that opens up all kinds of feelings for me. Hope to me is like the ocean, forever reaching, never ending, possibilities.
Upon stating that the word of the day (which became the week) was Hope, it created a whole world of conversation, ideas and thoughts. The laughter in the room and what followed through out the day when I said I had Hope was pleasing. I believe that what happened was everyone looked inside, thought of the moments that they had Hope, that had positive outcomes and those good feelings welled up, they wanted to share them. We laughed, we smiled, we felt better, just by the word, the suggestion of Hope.
Then someone said... "do not have hope for you will only be let down in your expectations. It is better to not have hope and you will be happy with what you receive." The bucket of cold water was thrown upon all of us. But those that fully believe, have faith, hung on to their hope and dried themselves off. Fighting back with all we could, that person who tried to bring in despair & reality was pushed back and Hope was Victorious. This went on through out the week.
How is hope, faith, expectations, and belief all tied in together? I think in many ways they are one in the same and can not exist with out the other. It is not specific to religion but, I have faith in Jesus & God, how do I maintain this faith? I have no tangible proof, no facts on what happens after you die. I just believe that there is more than just this to life, I believe there is a greater purpose.
I found out that while trying to not have hope. To just accept the way everything was that I could not just accept. I kept having hope that it could be better, that there is more than what meets the eye. Am I really the eternal optimist? The glass is half full person. I could not separate the Hope from the belief, from the faith. The despair, no expectations & acceptance that this was all there way, the way it will be, was just so depressing to me that I had to turn it away. I have to believe, I have to have hope, for it is what gets me up out of bed everyday, helps me to keep going, keeps me trying to be a better, kinder person.
I am reminded of the movie "The Neverending Story" how at the end Bastian is holding the last wish, what makes the whole universe live. If he gave up and didn't believe the world would cease to exist all of Fantasia would disappear. So hang on to your Hope and create new worlds.
Try it for a day, tell everyone the word for the day is Hope, and see the reactions. It will brighten your day.
Upon stating that the word of the day (which became the week) was Hope, it created a whole world of conversation, ideas and thoughts. The laughter in the room and what followed through out the day when I said I had Hope was pleasing. I believe that what happened was everyone looked inside, thought of the moments that they had Hope, that had positive outcomes and those good feelings welled up, they wanted to share them. We laughed, we smiled, we felt better, just by the word, the suggestion of Hope.
Then someone said... "do not have hope for you will only be let down in your expectations. It is better to not have hope and you will be happy with what you receive." The bucket of cold water was thrown upon all of us. But those that fully believe, have faith, hung on to their hope and dried themselves off. Fighting back with all we could, that person who tried to bring in despair & reality was pushed back and Hope was Victorious. This went on through out the week.
How is hope, faith, expectations, and belief all tied in together? I think in many ways they are one in the same and can not exist with out the other. It is not specific to religion but, I have faith in Jesus & God, how do I maintain this faith? I have no tangible proof, no facts on what happens after you die. I just believe that there is more than just this to life, I believe there is a greater purpose.
I found out that while trying to not have hope. To just accept the way everything was that I could not just accept. I kept having hope that it could be better, that there is more than what meets the eye. Am I really the eternal optimist? The glass is half full person. I could not separate the Hope from the belief, from the faith. The despair, no expectations & acceptance that this was all there way, the way it will be, was just so depressing to me that I had to turn it away. I have to believe, I have to have hope, for it is what gets me up out of bed everyday, helps me to keep going, keeps me trying to be a better, kinder person.
I am reminded of the movie "The Neverending Story" how at the end Bastian is holding the last wish, what makes the whole universe live. If he gave up and didn't believe the world would cease to exist all of Fantasia would disappear. So hang on to your Hope and create new worlds.
Try it for a day, tell everyone the word for the day is Hope, and see the reactions. It will brighten your day.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Decisions
Decisions are something that I don't particularly like making and are rather difficult, but being a single person for all these years, I have had to learn how. Choosing a place for dinner, or what to eat takes me about 20 minutes or so, but that is because I like and will eat most anything.
Then there are those BIG decisions, the ones that have an effect on your life or others. Sometimes we need to make decisions that are difficult, sometimes we need to let people down. I have had such a week, I had to decide that I can not go to Texas to my God Daughter's senior recital. I have been agonizing over this for about 2 weeks, and this week I finally accepted that I just can't go. I am letting her down, I am not "being there" for her though I said I always would. But the long and the short of it is that I can't go.
While I want to support her dreams and accomplishments, I can't sacrifice my goals. I have been working towards a particular goal for the past 5 years and the end is in sight. Also I feel that if I take care of my situation I will be in a better position to help her in the future to reach her Goal. I hope that she sees it that way, one day.
Sometimes there are things that you have to do and you have to have the strength and focus to stick to it.
Why is it that we agonize over putting ourselves first? That we feel we are unworthy, or selfish when we decide to do things that take care of ourselves? I find this a strange, odd way of thinking that when we take care of our own situation, help ourselves, we are not relying on others to help us, so then we are helping others since they will not have the burden of taking care of us. As a teenager & young adult I really did not understand this, but now in my "Mid-life" I have figured this out, if I arrange all my arrangements, finances, and such, then this takes the burden off of others to allow them to live their lives to the fullest.
It troubles me that I have let her down. It troubles me about a lot of things that I have not been able to do. I only know that I am on the right path, I am staying on track and heading towards the finish line. That finish line will bring many prizes to all the winners. This is something I have to do.
Then there are those BIG decisions, the ones that have an effect on your life or others. Sometimes we need to make decisions that are difficult, sometimes we need to let people down. I have had such a week, I had to decide that I can not go to Texas to my God Daughter's senior recital. I have been agonizing over this for about 2 weeks, and this week I finally accepted that I just can't go. I am letting her down, I am not "being there" for her though I said I always would. But the long and the short of it is that I can't go.
While I want to support her dreams and accomplishments, I can't sacrifice my goals. I have been working towards a particular goal for the past 5 years and the end is in sight. Also I feel that if I take care of my situation I will be in a better position to help her in the future to reach her Goal. I hope that she sees it that way, one day.
Sometimes there are things that you have to do and you have to have the strength and focus to stick to it.
Why is it that we agonize over putting ourselves first? That we feel we are unworthy, or selfish when we decide to do things that take care of ourselves? I find this a strange, odd way of thinking that when we take care of our own situation, help ourselves, we are not relying on others to help us, so then we are helping others since they will not have the burden of taking care of us. As a teenager & young adult I really did not understand this, but now in my "Mid-life" I have figured this out, if I arrange all my arrangements, finances, and such, then this takes the burden off of others to allow them to live their lives to the fullest.
It troubles me that I have let her down. It troubles me about a lot of things that I have not been able to do. I only know that I am on the right path, I am staying on track and heading towards the finish line. That finish line will bring many prizes to all the winners. This is something I have to do.
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