A March lamb becomes a lion....

February time frame....
Maggie has entered the 2nd cycle of treatment, we have just completed the second week of 5. It is rather coincidental that all of this has occurred at this time of year. Winter and Lent....

It will get worse before it gets better, there is a basic adrenaline rush in the beginning, you are excited for each week, new experiences and such. It all passes in a whirlwind. But the second cycle is harder than the first. Time seems to move slower, each week takes longer to come about. You have time to reflect on what you are doing, you realize that you are close to 1/2 way done which is great, and yet you have just that much longer to go. What was difficult before is now harder, and you know it will just get harder the next cycle through.

Just like the time of winter, how many weeks will the temperature go down, when will it start to go up. Winter has always been a time I just get through, watching each day for a little bit more sunshine, the sun setting later everyday. Finally over time Winter gives way to spring, to sunny days and warmer temps. I am renewed, ready to clean house, to start over and seize the day. Spring comes and new plants, a rebirth of such.

Is it a coincidence that Easter occurs at this time each year. For this is a time of change, a time to resolve to do something, better, different, or just to put away what was before and move on to what is new. 

Time has passed and now we are at the end of March and Easter is upon us... I thought of starting all over but this corresponds to what was said before. 

Miss Maggie is 1/2 way through treatment, what seemed like a time that would drag on has passed. But now like the saying of the month of March "in like a lamb out like a lion", the next cycle is likely to be different. The month of March this year was just like that, it was mild in the beginning and now it is cold, and snow, rain, and well, just time for warmer temps that are not happening.

Chemotherapy has been that way, the first 1/2 was mild, easy at times. Oh there were a few bad days but really less than 8 in 10 weeks is wonderful. BUT now the next cycle is upon us and it just might be worse than it has been. I am prepared, but scared at the same time. Cancer is nothing to really laugh at, don't say it is easy for it just might come back to haunt you. Just as it has been, the past few months have been easy, manageable... so now we are in for it, the March lion is upon us. I pray that he is gentle and remembers; as the lion with a thorn in his paw, to be kind and gentle and forgiving.

At the Bus Stop

The past few months I have been working the morning shift at work. This involves me getting up and leaving  earlier in the morning. Please understand why this is an ordeal as I am not a morning person, generally it is not wise or productive to talk to me till after 8:30 or 9am. I am just not really ready to deal with all the stuff in the world in a happy, kind, loving way. It is kinda like a morning cup of coffee thing, only I don't drink coffee.
So since I am working earlier this puts me in the Morning traffic pattern. If I don't leave the house before 8:40am I have to sit and wait 5 min for the school bus to load at the stop down the street, because it is for a whole development of kids. If I work earlier, don't leave by 8:25am and if I have to mail something, I end up behind another bus stop of a whole development of kids for 5 min.
At first I would be upset if I did not make the turn before the bus and fume as I was sitting there obeying the signs. Then I started realizing that as I was sitting there waiting for the 20 plus kids to get on the bus, seated and settled before that flashing stop sign closes, was that the car was heating up, it was warmer and kinda nice. My fingers thawed, I could take off the 2 hats & gloves, I wasn't so upset to sit here waiting. Now most of these days I was in the left lane as I had tried to speed past the bus before it stopped. One day I was in the right lane, right behind the bus.
Being in the right hand lane was the right lane to be in... It was here I realized there was more like 30+ kids at this bus stop. But also there were 15+ parents standing there, waiting with the kids for the bus, chatting with each other, watching to make sure the kids don't run in the street, that they line up nicely to board the bus. Then as the kids were settling in on the bus, those same parents all stood there waiting, laughing, smiling... and waving to the kids as they went off to school.
Suddenly, peace came over me, I smiled, I thought of the kids feeling so special to have someone wave goodbye to them, to wait and say have a nice day, I love you. Some parents were dressed to then go on to work, some dressed to spend the day at home, some I could tell were still in their pajamas and I think of how they were lucky to get to the bus stop in time. I started to smile, watching these parents... and as they waved to their kids as the bus pulled away, I found myself waving to them as I pulled by. As if to say, thank you for caring, for being there for your kids, thank you for sending them off with a smile, love. They waved back... thank you for sending me off with a smile and a Have a Good Day...
Now as I turn the corner in the mornings I hope that I am going to be stopped behind that bus for 5 minutes to be part of a special morning routine. And I do end up having a good day, I also wish that I could be there in the afternoon when bus drops everyone off, I hope those same parents are there waiting to say, welcome home, I love you.

The end of the beginning....

I have been trying to formulate a thought, direction, or clear meaning into what I want to say... I do have other things to talk about other than the Dog's progress... and yet that is all that I can put into clear thoughts. So for lack of getting my act together this week, I shall just let you know...
Miss Maggie is doing WONDERFUL!!!  She is surprising everyone, which really is not a surprise if you know Maggie. IRWS's do everything at 110%, so our ups will be amazing, our downs will be dramatic and stressful, but she is a fighter and rather determined to do it her own way.
I remember years ago when she was puppy, I was reading up on the breed to learn what I had just gotten myself into. It was called a "discernible determination"... meaning tenacious. She will try to do something, you will say No, she will try to do the same thing a different way, for you did not tell her she couldn't do it the new way. You had to be very specific, for they were very smart, and she has proven to be that. Nothing is ever approached the same way twice in this house and I feel as if even now 10 years later I am still in training.
We are in week 4 of treatment and she has confounded the Oncologist each time. He is surprised how well she does, how she bounces back after a set back and how strong she is. I told him "by the time this is all over you will be writing a book, for this dog will make history." He says it is due to my love for her, my understanding and care, my diligence to be her voice in these moments. But there is more.
I know we are in the Honeymoon phase with Cancer, we have just met, been involved a short time and every day is still so precious and new. The hard times, the trying times, the ones where you feel the end is so far off, those days are to come I am sure. I just hope that the strong love & relationship that Maggie and I already have will guide us through the path we are to travel. We are at the end of the beginning, when you are becoming familiar with the routine of doctors, sickness (which we have not seen), and recovery days.
We are passing 1000 kilometers of our 5000 kilometer journey, we eagerly travel to the middle of our journey, though some doubt sets in, we still push on for we can do this, our determination and drive are still fresh and strong. I know the past few weeks have been worth all that we shall go through, no matter what the end is to be, for I have had my puppy back, the one that greets me at the door with a tennis ball, demands I pay attention to her and loves to rest her head in my lap after a day of running in the woods.... Though we have only made it up to walking around the big circle, the woods are not far beyond.

Beyond all that surround yourself each day with good people, happy people, people that have strong understandings and resolutions in who they are, what they believe. I try to maintain that each day, to be around the positive people, only due to situations, I can not leave just yet, I have to be around those that are not like this. Perhaps that is my mission to be the one that encourages them to be good, happy, strong... Or perhaps this is a test of my faith to maintain my determination. Either way as much as I want to complain about them and vent my frustrations, I find myself writing about how to understand, be patient and figure out how to walk with Jesus in these moments.

A little bit of wandering in the woods...

I am not sure the direction this post will take... It might just amble along and have a destination later... or it might be the beginning of a path with many turns, leading to who knows where....
I have many thoughts rattling around in my head, trying to figure themselves out and be processed in all the right way. I am a bit taken back by a few, some are expected, and quite a few have blown me away in the amount of support I didn't expect.
We took a week of from posting. Everything was so wonderful, official week 2 of Chemo therapy (really week 3) Was going really well, we took the week off from posting to get caught up on all those things that slip through the cracks. And to focus on the moments in our live... I thought Cancer HA, what a big deal, we can do this. Yes, it will get worse, but so far we can handle this and more. Be careful in what you say, in what you wish for and who you make fun of... for Cancer has smacked us in the face for a bit.
As far as medication, illness... all was well, all was manageable... and I can do all that, we can beat this thing, or at least knock it out for a bit. Test come back with improvements, levels improving, everything is positive on paper. Life isn't on paper.
Then there was the side effects... I don't mean the general ones of nausea, upset stomach, lack of appetite, for she has none of that. There is the unexpected bruising, the moments of coming home and she is laying on the kitchen floor saying "why can't I get up and where have you been"... I would have come if I had known.
For me that is the worst side effect, is being away when she needs me, and there is no way for her to tell me or for me to know. For I would rush home if I could, otherwise I think all is fine. Or do I expect the worse and create all kinds of situations to the point of I will never leave the house?
Last night we had another one... unknown pain, nausea, general upset... that she could not communitcate to me. All that really needed to be done was to lay down and take a nap, but she could not relax long enough to do that. It might not solve all the problems in the world but it sure helps. Only I couldn't explain that to her. For some reason being in the car seemed to make her feel better, I don't know if it is the same theory as a colicky baby, the vibration of the car... though she was still restless, she did seem better.
BUT not being spring or summer or fall, it was too cold to sit in the car all night... back inside she could not settle down, so after another 15 min we headed off to the ER Vet. I didn't really care to find out why she had pain, it was the cancer, there is no real solution. There were other issues we could have worked up and addressed. Basically she was not doing well and needed something to help her rest and sleep. For sleep heals all. In time they checked a few levels, and few images... and all is still "normal" go figure... she presents as a Dog doing a great job on Chemo. But the big ole black bruise on her inner leg, of unknown origin and Her restlessness couldn't really be explained.
Yet I am a realist in many ways (and a dreamer too)... I didn't care for a full explanation, it was the cancer is enough for me. My question is how to we make it go away so she does not feel the pain, being uncomfortable, restlessness.... They gave her a stronger pain killer and home we went, $500 for Buprenex & Benedryl basically, but we knew that and tried to put it off, only it was Sunday....
Anyways after about an hour she slept, a good snoring sleep, a deep sleep where I could get up and do the dishes and she wouldn't move abit. That went on for 2 hours and a good thing it did, for it was needed.
No, she is not totally well, it is a quiet night of resting, sleeping, and lying around. Who knows what any of that means, but just like when you get a cold or flu, a good night's sleep helps all.
Today I thought to myself and I know I have come to that acceptance... that if this moment is the end of all our moments then I am ready. I can let go, not sure I truly can... but she is dying, and I can accept that. I still hold on to our dream (the wish our heart makes) of getting through the next 20 weeks with no issues and having 3 years of remission to run and play and live again. I am not ready to let go of that dream, but I am ready to accept that tonight I might have to decide that enough is enough. I accept that I might have to make that decision, but I am not ready to do it too lightly.
There is the other side too, the ones that I know in my heart will support me in what I decide to do. Those people are likely the ones that will be standing beside me when I make that hard choice in life. For they have stood beside me before. Yet, while I understand what they are saying, I appreciate their honesty, but right now I am not ready to travel that road yet. It will get worse before it gets better and right now what is better is not that direction, not yet. I have too much hope and faith in my heart still. God has not told me that enough is enough. For I will know when that moment has come, I have faith in that.
We have tried, we gave it a shot, we are still trying, we want to give it another shot... but what God wills is what will be... I just pray that I understand his will and have the strength...  For I truly am not ready to do this yet, but I know that when I am, if I need it that room will be filled with Many people (all of you) to help stand by me on this journey....
May we not have to walk along that path just yet.

It is not a straight line from Here to There....

Life is a journey. Two roads diverged in the wood, and I took the one less traveled. I take solace in these statements and the many more that talk about how the trials and tribulations make the journey worth more than the end. All of those moments have given me faith.
Faith - belief that it will happen, it will work out, it will be what is to be. For some reason that still is not fully revealed to me and I can not explain, I have faith. I have that gut feeling that it will be alright, it will work out, and yet when, perhaps, it does not work out the way it is suppose to be, I have faith that it is working out this way because this is the way it should be. I have had to develop this in my life for life goes on even when you just want it to stop.
IF everything worked out the way I wanted it, I would be a Veterinarian, I would be a Doctor, I would have graduated the top of my class, I would be a Prima Ballerina, I would be married with 5 kids. I would be living on my farm with my dogs, my horses, cows, a few pigs, and chickens. It would all be the way I planned it in kindergarten.
YET, it is not a straight line from here to there. There are right turns, left turns, bends in the road and perhaps a mountain or two and a cliff I've walked away from once or twice. Some of these I have taken on my own accord and some of these were not of my choosing. But I have discovered over time and my long years that I am just where I am suppose to be in life. All those twist and turns in the road, the brick walls and creeks to ford, have brought me to be the person I am. Someone who still believes somehow, someway, it will work out the way I dreamed it would be.
That all being said the past few weeks I have been on a roller coaster, Miss Maggie got sick Christmas Day night, she went to the Vet ER and recovered rather well, quickly and very positively. Only we had the diagnosis of Cancer. Lymphoma to be specific, and yet also general as there is no specific tumor or location, she just has cancer. Now see earlier last year we were working on her skin condition, finally getting that under control on long term prednisone, which has it's share of side affects that occur with long term use (long term meaning 3-5 years, we shall be lucky for that amount of time). There were lumps, bumps that occured, but we would address them later, turns out later is now. No, we haven't tested them, but then who really cares apparently something is cancerous and well we are treating it. I might be crazy, overly hopeful, but well I feel she deserves a chance. On basic prednisone she has a few months at best. On another treatment that is not very effective to this type of cancer she has 6 months and quite a few of them sick. On Chemo she has a shot for remission for 10-15 months. I know not a whole lot... but well it is alot longer than a few months. We shall see how it goes, how she tolerates it, how much pain she is in.... for it is all about her, not me (even though I am not ready to let go just yet either). I might be crazy, I think I am, but there is farther along this path in the woods that Maggie and I am to travel, there is something more that we are to learn, to do, to find. And just a few more tennis balls that need to be collected just yet.

On a new journey....

10 years ago I started something called Maggie's Chronicles through email. I would send out thoughts, events, happenings to a group of people, about the antics of my puppy; for that was what was available.... I started this blog as a "modern" posting of stories, thoughts, events, and perhaps opinions, through the eyes of my dog. It was a big project, I faltered over time. Now I think I am in need of Maggie's Chronicles again.
I want to believe our 4 legged friends live forever, that you have all the time you will ever need, but they get older and their lives unfortunately are so much shorter than ours. Miss Maggie turned 10 this year, "Old Lady" age, this summer she seemed to slow down, she was gray, age was showing, I was hoping for 2 good years, 3 if I am lucky and praying for 4. But God has his own plans and they don't always follow ours.
Christmas Day night (the 25th) Miss Maggie stumbled and fell, she got back up and was alright. The next morning walk all was alright, our next walk proved to change things. She stopped leaned up against a tree and paused, I could tell she was not feeling right, further along she sat, then laid down... I knew then that we were off to the Vet. Upon arriving they found fluid in her belly and sent us off to the Emergency Vet. There we found the fluid was around her heart sac, in the pericardial sac. This was certain death. The fluid was drained and she bounced back right away. They kept her the night, some fluid returned, they tried to drain that but couldn't get it all. Cardiology doctors looked at her heart, it was good, strong, she did not have a heart problem. This was good news, encouraging.
As I arrived to pick her up that evening, the results of the first tap were back. She has Lymphoma, Cancer... one that is not curable but treatable. So it was up to talk with the Oncologist to figure out what this means. We have no answers yet, options, but not sure what they really are. Last night they started her on Chemotherapy Elspar... I figured she needed a chance, give it a shot, try a dose, see in a week what it does, is the Cancer going away or not, is she better or not. Then we can redefine what our options are with better information.
Oh I know there is cost, there is sickness, there is limits on time, but most of all there is Quality of Life... I hope to keep foremost in my mind. This is to be about her Quality of Life, not about my wishes... and it will be another hard decision I will have to make in life. I hope with the support, insight, and reason of the great people who will read this, I will be able to know and do what is right for Miss Maggie, to give her the best life and chance I can. I only hope that one day someone loves me enough to do the same for me.
Most of all that look in her eyes of excitement & life there at the beach, playing in the waves, is what drives me. As long as that look is there then she deserves all I can offer her.

working on it

HI,
Yes, I am around, I am here, I am still around.
I took time off for the summer, was going to post something during Mid-Summer, then the magic day was Labor Day... okay maybe after my birthday.... I will get back into it. I just have been well... taking a break. (and out of ideas for a bit)
So hang in there I am working on it. As you all know the creative process can not be forced... and for me right now... mine is hanging out at the pool... (which is closing soon)