I am not sure the direction this post will take... It might just amble along and have a destination later... or it might be the beginning of a path with many turns, leading to who knows where....
I have many thoughts rattling around in my head, trying to figure themselves out and be processed in all the right way. I am a bit taken back by a few, some are expected, and quite a few have blown me away in the amount of support I didn't expect.
We took a week of from posting. Everything was so wonderful, official week 2 of Chemo therapy (really week 3) Was going really well, we took the week off from posting to get caught up on all those things that slip through the cracks. And to focus on the moments in our live... I thought Cancer HA, what a big deal, we can do this. Yes, it will get worse, but so far we can handle this and more. Be careful in what you say, in what you wish for and who you make fun of... for Cancer has smacked us in the face for a bit.
As far as medication, illness... all was well, all was manageable... and I can do all that, we can beat this thing, or at least knock it out for a bit. Test come back with improvements, levels improving, everything is positive on paper. Life isn't on paper.
Then there was the side effects... I don't mean the general ones of nausea, upset stomach, lack of appetite, for she has none of that. There is the unexpected bruising, the moments of coming home and she is laying on the kitchen floor saying "why can't I get up and where have you been"... I would have come if I had known.
For me that is the worst side effect, is being away when she needs me, and there is no way for her to tell me or for me to know. For I would rush home if I could, otherwise I think all is fine. Or do I expect the worse and create all kinds of situations to the point of I will never leave the house?
Last night we had another one... unknown pain, nausea, general upset... that she could not communitcate to me. All that really needed to be done was to lay down and take a nap, but she could not relax long enough to do that. It might not solve all the problems in the world but it sure helps. Only I couldn't explain that to her. For some reason being in the car seemed to make her feel better, I don't know if it is the same theory as a colicky baby, the vibration of the car... though she was still restless, she did seem better.
BUT not being spring or summer or fall, it was too cold to sit in the car all night... back inside she could not settle down, so after another 15 min we headed off to the ER Vet. I didn't really care to find out why she had pain, it was the cancer, there is no real solution. There were other issues we could have worked up and addressed. Basically she was not doing well and needed something to help her rest and sleep. For sleep heals all. In time they checked a few levels, and few images... and all is still "normal" go figure... she presents as a Dog doing a great job on Chemo. But the big ole black bruise on her inner leg, of unknown origin and Her restlessness couldn't really be explained.
Yet I am a realist in many ways (and a dreamer too)... I didn't care for a full explanation, it was the cancer is enough for me. My question is how to we make it go away so she does not feel the pain, being uncomfortable, restlessness.... They gave her a stronger pain killer and home we went, $500 for Buprenex & Benedryl basically, but we knew that and tried to put it off, only it was Sunday....
Anyways after about an hour she slept, a good snoring sleep, a deep sleep where I could get up and do the dishes and she wouldn't move abit. That went on for 2 hours and a good thing it did, for it was needed.
No, she is not totally well, it is a quiet night of resting, sleeping, and lying around. Who knows what any of that means, but just like when you get a cold or flu, a good night's sleep helps all.
Today I thought to myself and I know I have come to that acceptance... that if this moment is the end of all our moments then I am ready. I can let go, not sure I truly can... but she is dying, and I can accept that. I still hold on to our dream (the wish our heart makes) of getting through the next 20 weeks with no issues and having 3 years of remission to run and play and live again. I am not ready to let go of that dream, but I am ready to accept that tonight I might have to decide that enough is enough. I accept that I might have to make that decision, but I am not ready to do it too lightly.
There is the other side too, the ones that I know in my heart will support me in what I decide to do. Those people are likely the ones that will be standing beside me when I make that hard choice in life. For they have stood beside me before. Yet, while I understand what they are saying, I appreciate their honesty, but right now I am not ready to travel that road yet. It will get worse before it gets better and right now what is better is not that direction, not yet. I have too much hope and faith in my heart still. God has not told me that enough is enough. For I will know when that moment has come, I have faith in that.
We have tried, we gave it a shot, we are still trying, we want to give it another shot... but what God wills is what will be... I just pray that I understand his will and have the strength... For I truly am not ready to do this yet, but I know that when I am, if I need it that room will be filled with Many people (all of you) to help stand by me on this journey....
May we not have to walk along that path just yet.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Saturday, January 5, 2013
It is not a straight line from Here to There....
Life is a journey. Two roads diverged in the wood, and I took the one less traveled. I take solace in these statements and the many more that talk about how the trials and tribulations make the journey worth more than the end. All of those moments have given me faith.
Faith - belief that it will happen, it will work out, it will be what is to be. For some reason that still is not fully revealed to me and I can not explain, I have faith. I have that gut feeling that it will be alright, it will work out, and yet when, perhaps, it does not work out the way it is suppose to be, I have faith that it is working out this way because this is the way it should be. I have had to develop this in my life for life goes on even when you just want it to stop.
IF everything worked out the way I wanted it, I would be a Veterinarian, I would be a Doctor, I would have graduated the top of my class, I would be a Prima Ballerina, I would be married with 5 kids. I would be living on my farm with my dogs, my horses, cows, a few pigs, and chickens. It would all be the way I planned it in kindergarten.
YET, it is not a straight line from here to there. There are right turns, left turns, bends in the road and perhaps a mountain or two and a cliff I've walked away from once or twice. Some of these I have taken on my own accord and some of these were not of my choosing. But I have discovered over time and my long years that I am just where I am suppose to be in life. All those twist and turns in the road, the brick walls and creeks to ford, have brought me to be the person I am. Someone who still believes somehow, someway, it will work out the way I dreamed it would be.
That all being said the past few weeks I have been on a roller coaster, Miss Maggie got sick Christmas Day night, she went to the Vet ER and recovered rather well, quickly and very positively. Only we had the diagnosis of Cancer. Lymphoma to be specific, and yet also general as there is no specific tumor or location, she just has cancer. Now see earlier last year we were working on her skin condition, finally getting that under control on long term prednisone, which has it's share of side affects that occur with long term use (long term meaning 3-5 years, we shall be lucky for that amount of time). There were lumps, bumps that occured, but we would address them later, turns out later is now. No, we haven't tested them, but then who really cares apparently something is cancerous and well we are treating it. I might be crazy, overly hopeful, but well I feel she deserves a chance. On basic prednisone she has a few months at best. On another treatment that is not very effective to this type of cancer she has 6 months and quite a few of them sick. On Chemo she has a shot for remission for 10-15 months. I know not a whole lot... but well it is alot longer than a few months. We shall see how it goes, how she tolerates it, how much pain she is in.... for it is all about her, not me (even though I am not ready to let go just yet either). I might be crazy, I think I am, but there is farther along this path in the woods that Maggie and I am to travel, there is something more that we are to learn, to do, to find. And just a few more tennis balls that need to be collected just yet.
Faith - belief that it will happen, it will work out, it will be what is to be. For some reason that still is not fully revealed to me and I can not explain, I have faith. I have that gut feeling that it will be alright, it will work out, and yet when, perhaps, it does not work out the way it is suppose to be, I have faith that it is working out this way because this is the way it should be. I have had to develop this in my life for life goes on even when you just want it to stop.
IF everything worked out the way I wanted it, I would be a Veterinarian, I would be a Doctor, I would have graduated the top of my class, I would be a Prima Ballerina, I would be married with 5 kids. I would be living on my farm with my dogs, my horses, cows, a few pigs, and chickens. It would all be the way I planned it in kindergarten.
YET, it is not a straight line from here to there. There are right turns, left turns, bends in the road and perhaps a mountain or two and a cliff I've walked away from once or twice. Some of these I have taken on my own accord and some of these were not of my choosing. But I have discovered over time and my long years that I am just where I am suppose to be in life. All those twist and turns in the road, the brick walls and creeks to ford, have brought me to be the person I am. Someone who still believes somehow, someway, it will work out the way I dreamed it would be.
That all being said the past few weeks I have been on a roller coaster, Miss Maggie got sick Christmas Day night, she went to the Vet ER and recovered rather well, quickly and very positively. Only we had the diagnosis of Cancer. Lymphoma to be specific, and yet also general as there is no specific tumor or location, she just has cancer. Now see earlier last year we were working on her skin condition, finally getting that under control on long term prednisone, which has it's share of side affects that occur with long term use (long term meaning 3-5 years, we shall be lucky for that amount of time). There were lumps, bumps that occured, but we would address them later, turns out later is now. No, we haven't tested them, but then who really cares apparently something is cancerous and well we are treating it. I might be crazy, overly hopeful, but well I feel she deserves a chance. On basic prednisone she has a few months at best. On another treatment that is not very effective to this type of cancer she has 6 months and quite a few of them sick. On Chemo she has a shot for remission for 10-15 months. I know not a whole lot... but well it is alot longer than a few months. We shall see how it goes, how she tolerates it, how much pain she is in.... for it is all about her, not me (even though I am not ready to let go just yet either). I might be crazy, I think I am, but there is farther along this path in the woods that Maggie and I am to travel, there is something more that we are to learn, to do, to find. And just a few more tennis balls that need to be collected just yet.
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