Other thoughts....

This page is about Adoption and how it has touched my life.

4/4/12
I saw something the other day that got me thinking... it was a finish the question statement... the question was...         "What is holding you back on living a happy life........ "  Someone answered the question with "I gave up my only child when I was 16 and have regretted it ever since, I wish I could change the past."   I thought on this and have had the same feelings many times. The comfort I take in all of this is that it was the best decision for the time it was made. Over the years and time I can state many happy occasions in my life, but still there always has been a shadow over it all. I finally realized about 3 years ago that the shadow was the adoption of my Daughter. I have yet to find true happiness in my story, I have yet to figure out why all of this happened and what the silver lining is.
God works in mysterious ways, he has a reason that we as humans do not know. We have to have faith, trust and just believe that there is a reason that we as humans go through all the trials and joys that we do to understand later the reasons why.

3/13/12- To Start With...

I am a Birthmother, of 23+ years. I have a beautiful daughter that I do not know. I placed her for adoption in 1988 to a loving, wonderful family. I am not ashamed, I am not hiding this, I am just not sure how to bring it up in daily conversation. It is not something you need to know about me. But something that is fine to know, I would like you to know, I am just not sure on how to tell you.....  So hear my story.

The Story -
My Senior year in High School I was dating a guy that I worked with. He was a nice guy, sweet, good at heart. About Christmas time he asked me to marry him when I turned 18, I said yes. On March 25 1988 (yes I do know) we had sex, he said he didn't have a condom. I thought "no big deal" what were the chances of getting pregnant 1 in a million? It wasn't going to happen, but driving home that night, I knew it had happen, their is no explanation, I just knew.
The next day I went to Mrs. Kline's office, the Campus Minister at School. I can't explain why I went to her, I didn't know her. She would monitor lunch and ask me to clean the tables at the end of lunch. She would say Hello to me in the hallways. For some reason she knew my name. I was drawn to that little room off of the Chapel that day. Little did I know it would change my life in so many ways.
I asked her "Last night I had sex with my boyfriend, am I pregnant?" Years later she tells me she recalls that moment and laughs, how would she know the answer to that question. We counted the days on the calendar and it was very likely I was. She sent me to HOPE, to see Mary Beth, a counselor there. There Mary Beth and I did a pregnancy test and it was positive... I was pregnant, now what to do.
Later Mary Beth would ask Mrs. Kline, what kind of relationship did she have going on with these kids that they would come up and tell her things like this. It was because Mrs. Kline did not yell or scream, she didn't judge, condem, or tell you what to do. She just listened. Every decision I made, I made on my own, I was the one that brought up each subject and solution, she just listened and supported.
A few weeks later I had to go on a Senior Retreat, for a Graduation requirement. I was hoping I would just slip through the cracks, to be missed. But Mrs. Kline in her disorganization is very organized, and I couldn't be forgotten. It turned out to be a weekend of change, I allowed it to be, I took the time to look at life, my relationships with my friends, and I think I ultimately was looking at my future. I was so proud of my cross that I received at the end of the weekend, it was more than a symbol of completing a requirement. It was a first step back on to a path that was part of my life. No, I didn't "find" God that weekend, but I did welcome him into my life, and while he would take a quiet back seat, it is the silent support that has guided me thorough much of this journey.
One of my classes was "Sex & Marriage" - Ironic? during this class we had the "Marriage Project" we were paired off in the class and were "married", we were to find a job, a place to live, a budget, and a life. Periodically she would include certain events for certain pairs, someone would lose a job, get a raise, have a baby or two. Now my partner really didn't want to do a project at all and I had my own real life "marriage project" so I used real life. We were married, we lived in his apartment (that he was sharing) we had our current jobs, salaries, and a baby along the way. I got a D, maybe even a D-. My real life plans were not even passing. I started rethinking everything. Did I want to get married, was this how life was going to be, how was this going to work.
One night while watching a movie at his apartment, I thought about that project and reality. He was living in a 1 bedroom apartment with a roommate, he slept on the couch. I am not sure we could even afford the place by ourselves, much less care for a baby. I watched a cockroach walk across the edge of the room, "that's it I am out of here" I thought to myself. I left that night. That was the night I decided that Adoption was what to do. I was not bring up a child in a life like that, in a place like that, I was not doing it. She deserved alot more.
I took some time out, to figure out what to do, what my options were. I did not consider abortion, it was not a factor at that time. I decided that I did not want to get married, I did not want to have that life for my child or myself. I realized I could not do this on my own. My Parent's always told me they would support any decision I made but they were not going to raise my child. I had to do that. The only option I could see was Adoption. Through all this time I also realized, I really did not love the father, not enough for happily ever after. I ended our relationship, I told him I was placing our child up for adoption, I gave him back the engagement ring and he never called me. I went on to finish my time at school.
Since I had decided on Adoption, I decided not to share my pregnancy with my family or friends. It really was none of their business. Over time I realized I didn't really know some of my friends, they didn't really know me, they were headed off to college moving on with their lives, and I was lost in my life. As for my family, I didn't want to explain to them, to let them down. So I traveled this path alone. I spent time talking with Mrs. Kline, who helped me see that I do matter as a person, that I could do this, she helped me discover my confidence myself, something I could not find before. I talked with Mary Beth, who would ask how I was feeling, what I thought, and didn't tell me how I should feel, think, or what was normal.
One day Mom & I drove to Planned Parenthood, she said I needed to get put on the Pill. I didn't have a chance at home to tell her I was pregnant. My brother or sister was always around, or the phone would ring and she wouldn't have time to talk. Then we got in the car, I didn't think I should tell her while she was driving, but being at a red light was not a good time either. I didn't know what to do, I would let her down, she would yell and scream. I never thought I would be put out of the car, but I just felt awful about letting her down. We got to the clinic, were in the parking lot getting out the car. I finally said "we don't have to go in" she said "yes we do" I said " there is no reason for me to be on the pill, I am already pregnant" It was silent, she didn't yell, she didn't scream, she just said "well, let's go in and find out". That is all the conversation I really recall ever having about being pregnant and how it all happened. We don't communicate, we just move on.
Life went on, I finished school, went off to work at a summer camp in Maryland and just got through it all. While at Camp, I did not tell anyone I was pregnant, God blessed me in not showing, plus all that good fresh air and exercise helped out. I met some great people and learned alot about myself. I realized I had a second chance here. I wanted to go back to College to get a degree, to make something good out of all of this.
That summer my dog passed away, she went peacefully one summer day, being the Baby sitter that she was, sitting under a tree in the shade. I knew something had gone wrong. This was the second biggest loss in my life, a lesson in learning how to let go and how to go on. Sadly this was a lesson I would continue to learn.