Words Hurt....

It is the people that are closest to us that hurt us the most, and yet they are also the people that are also the furthest from us. I am trying to be strong, to not let it hurt me. Perhaps they didn't mean what they said, perhaps they don't realize, perhaps they don't know. But it is those that are not suppose to hurt us that do hurt us the most with their words, unknowingly.

Each of us have memories of our childhoods, our lives, these memories form our perception of the way life is, our interpretation. 5 people can go through the exact same situation and have 5 totally different stories to tell about it. But no matter what, this is what makes us into the person we are, formulates our personality, our lives, and we are the ones that have to live our lives.I am trying to remember this at the moment, but still it doesn't make the harsh words hurt any less. 

To lay it all out, my sister and I do not get along, we do not understand each other, or more correctly I do not understand her, and often it is the words from family members that hurt the most. I try to believe that she does not realize this, that she does not understand how what she says hurts me so much. Since my family really never communicated and talked about our feelings how could she know that her random Facebook posts about how she loves being a mother, really hurt me, as I am not a mother. Or how does she understand that her emails back are often hurtful.

So between the tears and pain, I am trying not to read between the lines, and taking it for what it is. For I am sure that I have done the same to them.

Still it is the people that are closest to us that hurt us the most. I am trying to understand why, and accepting that I may never know. I wish that we all could be more sensitive to others, to their pains and hurts, to understand why they do not fully feel empowered, or understand how we can empower them. 

All in all it doesn't really matter, for we hurt, we cry, we morn, we sleep and awake the next day to reach out again and try again, hoping this time will be different. Just knowing one day we will understand it all.

But in the wake of it all, it is the support and kindness of others that boost me up. I reach out on Facebook myself and find "friends" that reach out, pull me up, hold me up, and let me know that once, for a time I was an important, positive part of their lives, that I have affected them, that I made a difference, and that I do matter. And for all of that I am forever grateful, for is those moments that keep me going, help me to wake up each day and try again, reminding me that I do matter, and for that reason alone I keep going on. I love all of you. Thank you.

failed....

Ahhh, I failed you all this week.... but I will get something up soon.

Hope, Faith & Expectations

The word of the week has been Hope. A positive, exciting, never ending word that opens up all kinds of feelings for me. Hope to me is like the ocean, forever reaching, never ending, possibilities.
Upon stating that the word of the day (which became the week) was Hope, it created a whole world of conversation, ideas and thoughts. The laughter in the room and what followed through out the day when I said I had Hope was pleasing. I believe that what happened was everyone looked inside, thought of the moments that they had Hope, that had positive outcomes and those good feelings welled up, they wanted to share them. We laughed, we smiled, we felt better, just by the word, the suggestion of Hope.
Then someone said... "do not have hope for you will only be let down in your expectations. It is better to not have hope and you will be happy with what you receive."  The bucket of cold water was thrown upon all of us. But those that fully believe, have faith, hung on to their hope and dried themselves off. Fighting back with all we could, that person who tried to bring in despair & reality was pushed back and Hope was Victorious. This went on through out the week.
How is hope, faith, expectations, and belief all tied in together? I think in many ways they are one in the same and can not exist with out the other. It is not specific to religion but, I have faith in Jesus & God, how do I maintain this faith? I have no tangible proof, no facts on what happens after you die. I just believe that there is more than just this to life, I believe there is a greater purpose.
I found out that while trying to not have hope. To just accept the way everything was that I could not just accept. I kept having hope that it could be better, that there is more than what meets the eye. Am I really the eternal optimist? The glass is half full person. I could not separate the Hope from the belief, from the faith. The despair, no expectations & acceptance that this was all there way, the way it will be, was just so depressing to me that I had to turn it away. I have to believe, I have to have hope, for it is what gets me up out of bed everyday, helps me to keep going, keeps me trying to be a better, kinder person.
I am reminded of the movie "The Neverending Story" how at the end Bastian is holding the last wish, what makes the whole universe live. If he gave up and didn't believe the world would cease to exist all of Fantasia would disappear. So hang on to your Hope and create new worlds.
Try it for a day, tell everyone the word for the day is Hope, and see the reactions. It will brighten your day.

Decisions

Decisions are something that I don't particularly like making and are rather difficult, but being a single person for all these years, I have had to learn how. Choosing a place for dinner, or what to eat takes me about 20 minutes or so, but that is because I like and will eat most anything.
Then there are those BIG decisions, the ones that have an effect on your life or others. Sometimes we need to make decisions that are difficult, sometimes we need to let people down. I have had such a week, I had to decide that I can not go to Texas to my God Daughter's senior recital. I have been agonizing over this for about 2 weeks, and this week I finally accepted that I just can't go. I am letting her down, I am not "being there" for her though I said I always would. But the long and the short of it is that I can't go.
While I want to support her dreams and accomplishments, I can't sacrifice my goals. I have been working towards a particular goal for the past 5 years and the end is in sight. Also I feel that if I take care of my situation I will be in a better position to help her in the future to reach her Goal. I hope that she sees it that way, one day.
Sometimes there are things that you have to do and you have to have the strength and focus to stick to it.
Why is it that we agonize over putting ourselves first? That we feel we are unworthy, or selfish when we decide to do things that take care of ourselves? I find this a strange, odd way of thinking that when we take care of our own situation, help ourselves, we are not relying on others to help us, so then we are helping others since they will not have the burden of taking care of us. As a teenager & young adult I really did not understand this, but now in my "Mid-life" I have figured this out, if I arrange all my arrangements, finances, and such, then this takes the burden off of others to allow them to live their lives to the fullest.
It troubles me that I have let her down. It troubles me about a lot of things that I have not been able to do. I only know that I am on the right path, I am staying on track and heading towards the finish line. That finish line will bring many prizes to all the winners. This is something I have to do.