Decisions

Decisions are something that I don't particularly like making and are rather difficult, but being a single person for all these years, I have had to learn how. Choosing a place for dinner, or what to eat takes me about 20 minutes or so, but that is because I like and will eat most anything.
Then there are those BIG decisions, the ones that have an effect on your life or others. Sometimes we need to make decisions that are difficult, sometimes we need to let people down. I have had such a week, I had to decide that I can not go to Texas to my God Daughter's senior recital. I have been agonizing over this for about 2 weeks, and this week I finally accepted that I just can't go. I am letting her down, I am not "being there" for her though I said I always would. But the long and the short of it is that I can't go.
While I want to support her dreams and accomplishments, I can't sacrifice my goals. I have been working towards a particular goal for the past 5 years and the end is in sight. Also I feel that if I take care of my situation I will be in a better position to help her in the future to reach her Goal. I hope that she sees it that way, one day.
Sometimes there are things that you have to do and you have to have the strength and focus to stick to it.
Why is it that we agonize over putting ourselves first? That we feel we are unworthy, or selfish when we decide to do things that take care of ourselves? I find this a strange, odd way of thinking that when we take care of our own situation, help ourselves, we are not relying on others to help us, so then we are helping others since they will not have the burden of taking care of us. As a teenager & young adult I really did not understand this, but now in my "Mid-life" I have figured this out, if I arrange all my arrangements, finances, and such, then this takes the burden off of others to allow them to live their lives to the fullest.
It troubles me that I have let her down. It troubles me about a lot of things that I have not been able to do. I only know that I am on the right path, I am staying on track and heading towards the finish line. That finish line will bring many prizes to all the winners. This is something I have to do.