2013 A Year in Review

To me the beginning of a new year tends to be around my birthday. A time I make new plans, resolutions, look back and take a general assessment of everything. But this one is a bit different.

A year ago my life changed, not in an overly dramatic way, but enough to cause me to sit back and say "Wow". Last year Maggie was in the ER, finally stable after a pericardial effusion scare, only to be faced with the word Cancer. What amazes me is that I wasn't scared, I didn't have that floor dropping feeling of dread, I was ready to face whatever this was to be. And Wow, what a journey it has been.

With a diagnosis of Lymphoma, incurable but treatable, a good chance of remission... we started on Chemotherapy for 5 months. Weekly Dr. visits and routines of medications, good days and bad days, became the pattern of Spring; But Maggie being the trooper she is, she taught me a lot about fighting, outlook, and how sometimes just taking a nap solves everything. I've discovered that my dog is my hero.

I found comfort though in that time, I had a direction, a goal, something that I still can't find a word for but I know I am looking for it. A purpose... On June 4 she was determined to be in clinical remission... and off we went to "live life" Now was time to check off that bucket list and just enjoy every moment, which we did, and have and a new saying I have is... Life is just too short...
But every day that passes, every hour, moment and such... well, soon we fell back into the routine of life and had to be reminded to enjoy it. But there were moments that reminded us. Our monthly Vet visits stretched into 2 months, to 3 months... with the promise that we send pictures, updates, and drop off cookies.
Mid Summer I accomplished a major goal... which was a bit like saying goodbye to an old friend. I paid off a long term debt that I have been carrying around for years and years. Waiting for someday to come when I would pay it off. About 5 years ago I got serious about paying it off. Along with a few unexpected expenses, figuring it all out, and getting used to it, buying a condo, quite a few car repairs and Maggie's Chemo expenses. I paid off that debt in a 4 year period. I still am paying on Maggie's expenses but that is okay, that is new debt... not one I have been putting off for years and years.
I have also done a lot of soul searching, or understanding really this year. I have learned quite a bit about myself and realized a lot about my family. I had thought when Maggie was diagnosed that they would be there for me. Everyone says "when it all comes down to it, it is family that is there for you" Yet, they weren't. Close family that is... some extended family was there, but then they don't live here. But it was with friends that I found my support group in, unexpected places. I realized that sometimes you have to accept that you can't count on those people and you have to lean on others, and as I have always known... you really are on this journey all alone, lean on God. It was hard to realize certain people are... well, people themselves and they have faults and shortcomings too. But boy how life changes when you realize and accept that and them for who and what they are. Also realize it is not really their fault but perhaps their parents, and their parents before them...
The fall came, I became more involved with the Ballet Studio and helped with Nutcracker Rehearsals, documenting everything, BOY was that a project. It has been a special dream come true. I don't have the confidence to teach, I didn't have the confidence to dance, BUT I have special dear friends who have allowed me to be a part of their school and live out my dreams. To help them out and be a part of the rehearsals, performances, and to watch these young girls dream and follow along the path I once went, I only hope I can encourage them to be more, and do more, and perhaps have the confidence to try, and find the love of Ballet that I have.
This year had a lot of fun moments, moments of recreating friendships that I had lost, or not really had. With the 25th reunion of High School and Facebook connections, it was time to actually meet with these people to really for those friendships that we have formed online with out all the teenage issues involved. I have had a great time reuniting with people I have known for years but just now have found things in common with. I have gotten back in touch with childhood friends. Realizing a bit that those are your true friends, they know you "back then" when you were who you really are, they accepted you then and now, and you are true friends.
So now this Christmas, Holiday, New Year season I find myself being a bit reflective and looking back on my year and realizing, I did a lot of growing, I went through a lot, I have handled a lot... and well I think I have done a great job, come out on the top side and am really excited for 2014. As the groundwork has been laid for an even greater year this year. Sadly I know this might be the year I have to say goodbye to Miss Maggie, but I do know that until that time we shall just take every moment that comes and enjoy it. Perhaps that is what New Year's Is All about Charlie Brown....

Happy 11th Birthday Miss Maggie!

Happy Birthday! Her birthday just happens to coincide with mine. No, I didn't make it up, she truly was born on Sept 15th 2002. Do I love her any more or less then the others that have passed through my life? No, if you know me, you know they all have a special place in my heart, even the ones that aren't mine.
But this birthday is a bit more special than the others. For it is one that might not have come. Earlier in the year at New Years I was not sure of the path we were going to follow, not sure what decisions I would have to make, or what was in store for us. I will admit that once I committed to Chemotherapy I fully believed that we would have remission for 2 years, that one day nature would just take it's course and Maggie will leave this world in a natural way of old age. Okay part of that is unrealistic and I am aware and prepared to have to decided when the time is the time. But I did know we would find remission and it would be a long one. What I did not know was how wonderful this journey would be, how amazing she is and how she is my hero.
Some of our adventures are chronicled here, some are not. Basically her strong will, being a bull in a china shop, knowing what she wants and not "leaving off" it until she got it, our schedule and routine of exercise, medications, and rest days, allowed this to be a joyful experience. I didn't need to reach out for the support of everyone through the blog. Though just knowing you were there if I needed you was help in itself. I found the strength everyday in her eyes, her will to go on.
So currently she is 3&1/2 months in remission, she is full of energy, her hair is growing back, she has a tail again! We had monthly visits to the Oncologist who would say "go home, have fun, you are too well to be here". It was comforting when she greeted everyone with a butt moving tail wag, and everyone would come out to say hello to her, they really did love her and miss her. I also feel so blessed when the Oncologist said "I really am so pleased with her, I really did not think we would be at this point today when we first met in January." I want to say to him "we shall be here for many years to come" but who knows about that.
So she runs, she plays, she chews her bones. Greeting each new day as another day we have together, we try to make the most of it. But time also moves on and you get comfortable, fall back into the old ways, thinking there is tomorrow for that long walk or run on the golf course at night. We are back into our normal routine of life, and that is good. Though I do need to remember that everyday is precious. And as much as I realize every year I get to have a birthday myself, to be alive myself, is a joy, I do realize it too with her. I am so blessed to have know this dog, to know her spirit, for it is an amazing strong spirit. She is my teacher, my mentor, my companion, my soul mate in many ways. I have been so honored to have her in my life.

The New Normal

If you had said my life would be like this 4 months ago, I wouldn't have believed you. But I also would have said sure I can do this. Cancer treatment has involved weekly visits to the Vet, days of just relaxing and letting the meds to the work. Days of anemia and low blood counts. And the good days. For the past 4 months we have embraced every day.
At the same time we have been fully blessed. There have not been hard days or days of extreme sickness. Slight nausea and low red blood cell counts have been our worse days. Early on was harder than now, yet I tell God... I can handle more. Yet he does not give it to me, he has made this a wonderful journey. I have met wonderful people, found again a new outlook on life.
I think back on what Miss Maggie has taught me on our Journey with Cancer, and it is to greet each new day with a smile, a wag of the tail, with enthusiasm. To walk in to the clinic with joy, excitement and a "HI, I am here!" attitude. To get through each night after treatment with a patient, stoic determination... to embrace life and live it all.
I have realized that through out her whole life she has been teaching me this. Even as a crazy puppy, even as an older dog... she meets everyone as if they are her best friend that has been gone for 5 years. she wakes each day ready to have fun. Everything is done 110%.
The last 2 years I have thought I have an "old" dog. She was slowing down, I thought this is the time that we pace ourselves, that we embrace each day, but can't enjoy them to the fullest like we did before. Then we had the Cancer diagnosis and that had changed ALOT. She once again has the love of life she had before. She has taught me to never give up, to expect nothing and appreciate everything. In a month we are done with Chemotherapy, our weekly Vet appointments will end. What do we do then? What is life to be like. Oh we shall enjoy every moment we have together and we shall live it all to the fullest.
We also shall be learning a "new Normal".. We have already learned how to live our New Normal of weekly appointments and life with Cancer treatment... now we shall learn how to live life, to fully live life until it is over.

A March lamb becomes a lion....

February time frame....
Maggie has entered the 2nd cycle of treatment, we have just completed the second week of 5. It is rather coincidental that all of this has occurred at this time of year. Winter and Lent....

It will get worse before it gets better, there is a basic adrenaline rush in the beginning, you are excited for each week, new experiences and such. It all passes in a whirlwind. But the second cycle is harder than the first. Time seems to move slower, each week takes longer to come about. You have time to reflect on what you are doing, you realize that you are close to 1/2 way done which is great, and yet you have just that much longer to go. What was difficult before is now harder, and you know it will just get harder the next cycle through.

Just like the time of winter, how many weeks will the temperature go down, when will it start to go up. Winter has always been a time I just get through, watching each day for a little bit more sunshine, the sun setting later everyday. Finally over time Winter gives way to spring, to sunny days and warmer temps. I am renewed, ready to clean house, to start over and seize the day. Spring comes and new plants, a rebirth of such.

Is it a coincidence that Easter occurs at this time each year. For this is a time of change, a time to resolve to do something, better, different, or just to put away what was before and move on to what is new. 

Time has passed and now we are at the end of March and Easter is upon us... I thought of starting all over but this corresponds to what was said before. 

Miss Maggie is 1/2 way through treatment, what seemed like a time that would drag on has passed. But now like the saying of the month of March "in like a lamb out like a lion", the next cycle is likely to be different. The month of March this year was just like that, it was mild in the beginning and now it is cold, and snow, rain, and well, just time for warmer temps that are not happening.

Chemotherapy has been that way, the first 1/2 was mild, easy at times. Oh there were a few bad days but really less than 8 in 10 weeks is wonderful. BUT now the next cycle is upon us and it just might be worse than it has been. I am prepared, but scared at the same time. Cancer is nothing to really laugh at, don't say it is easy for it just might come back to haunt you. Just as it has been, the past few months have been easy, manageable... so now we are in for it, the March lion is upon us. I pray that he is gentle and remembers; as the lion with a thorn in his paw, to be kind and gentle and forgiving.

At the Bus Stop

The past few months I have been working the morning shift at work. This involves me getting up and leaving  earlier in the morning. Please understand why this is an ordeal as I am not a morning person, generally it is not wise or productive to talk to me till after 8:30 or 9am. I am just not really ready to deal with all the stuff in the world in a happy, kind, loving way. It is kinda like a morning cup of coffee thing, only I don't drink coffee.
So since I am working earlier this puts me in the Morning traffic pattern. If I don't leave the house before 8:40am I have to sit and wait 5 min for the school bus to load at the stop down the street, because it is for a whole development of kids. If I work earlier, don't leave by 8:25am and if I have to mail something, I end up behind another bus stop of a whole development of kids for 5 min.
At first I would be upset if I did not make the turn before the bus and fume as I was sitting there obeying the signs. Then I started realizing that as I was sitting there waiting for the 20 plus kids to get on the bus, seated and settled before that flashing stop sign closes, was that the car was heating up, it was warmer and kinda nice. My fingers thawed, I could take off the 2 hats & gloves, I wasn't so upset to sit here waiting. Now most of these days I was in the left lane as I had tried to speed past the bus before it stopped. One day I was in the right lane, right behind the bus.
Being in the right hand lane was the right lane to be in... It was here I realized there was more like 30+ kids at this bus stop. But also there were 15+ parents standing there, waiting with the kids for the bus, chatting with each other, watching to make sure the kids don't run in the street, that they line up nicely to board the bus. Then as the kids were settling in on the bus, those same parents all stood there waiting, laughing, smiling... and waving to the kids as they went off to school.
Suddenly, peace came over me, I smiled, I thought of the kids feeling so special to have someone wave goodbye to them, to wait and say have a nice day, I love you. Some parents were dressed to then go on to work, some dressed to spend the day at home, some I could tell were still in their pajamas and I think of how they were lucky to get to the bus stop in time. I started to smile, watching these parents... and as they waved to their kids as the bus pulled away, I found myself waving to them as I pulled by. As if to say, thank you for caring, for being there for your kids, thank you for sending them off with a smile, love. They waved back... thank you for sending me off with a smile and a Have a Good Day...
Now as I turn the corner in the mornings I hope that I am going to be stopped behind that bus for 5 minutes to be part of a special morning routine. And I do end up having a good day, I also wish that I could be there in the afternoon when bus drops everyone off, I hope those same parents are there waiting to say, welcome home, I love you.

The end of the beginning....

I have been trying to formulate a thought, direction, or clear meaning into what I want to say... I do have other things to talk about other than the Dog's progress... and yet that is all that I can put into clear thoughts. So for lack of getting my act together this week, I shall just let you know...
Miss Maggie is doing WONDERFUL!!!  She is surprising everyone, which really is not a surprise if you know Maggie. IRWS's do everything at 110%, so our ups will be amazing, our downs will be dramatic and stressful, but she is a fighter and rather determined to do it her own way.
I remember years ago when she was puppy, I was reading up on the breed to learn what I had just gotten myself into. It was called a "discernible determination"... meaning tenacious. She will try to do something, you will say No, she will try to do the same thing a different way, for you did not tell her she couldn't do it the new way. You had to be very specific, for they were very smart, and she has proven to be that. Nothing is ever approached the same way twice in this house and I feel as if even now 10 years later I am still in training.
We are in week 4 of treatment and she has confounded the Oncologist each time. He is surprised how well she does, how she bounces back after a set back and how strong she is. I told him "by the time this is all over you will be writing a book, for this dog will make history." He says it is due to my love for her, my understanding and care, my diligence to be her voice in these moments. But there is more.
I know we are in the Honeymoon phase with Cancer, we have just met, been involved a short time and every day is still so precious and new. The hard times, the trying times, the ones where you feel the end is so far off, those days are to come I am sure. I just hope that the strong love & relationship that Maggie and I already have will guide us through the path we are to travel. We are at the end of the beginning, when you are becoming familiar with the routine of doctors, sickness (which we have not seen), and recovery days.
We are passing 1000 kilometers of our 5000 kilometer journey, we eagerly travel to the middle of our journey, though some doubt sets in, we still push on for we can do this, our determination and drive are still fresh and strong. I know the past few weeks have been worth all that we shall go through, no matter what the end is to be, for I have had my puppy back, the one that greets me at the door with a tennis ball, demands I pay attention to her and loves to rest her head in my lap after a day of running in the woods.... Though we have only made it up to walking around the big circle, the woods are not far beyond.

Beyond all that surround yourself each day with good people, happy people, people that have strong understandings and resolutions in who they are, what they believe. I try to maintain that each day, to be around the positive people, only due to situations, I can not leave just yet, I have to be around those that are not like this. Perhaps that is my mission to be the one that encourages them to be good, happy, strong... Or perhaps this is a test of my faith to maintain my determination. Either way as much as I want to complain about them and vent my frustrations, I find myself writing about how to understand, be patient and figure out how to walk with Jesus in these moments.

A little bit of wandering in the woods...

I am not sure the direction this post will take... It might just amble along and have a destination later... or it might be the beginning of a path with many turns, leading to who knows where....
I have many thoughts rattling around in my head, trying to figure themselves out and be processed in all the right way. I am a bit taken back by a few, some are expected, and quite a few have blown me away in the amount of support I didn't expect.
We took a week of from posting. Everything was so wonderful, official week 2 of Chemo therapy (really week 3) Was going really well, we took the week off from posting to get caught up on all those things that slip through the cracks. And to focus on the moments in our live... I thought Cancer HA, what a big deal, we can do this. Yes, it will get worse, but so far we can handle this and more. Be careful in what you say, in what you wish for and who you make fun of... for Cancer has smacked us in the face for a bit.
As far as medication, illness... all was well, all was manageable... and I can do all that, we can beat this thing, or at least knock it out for a bit. Test come back with improvements, levels improving, everything is positive on paper. Life isn't on paper.
Then there was the side effects... I don't mean the general ones of nausea, upset stomach, lack of appetite, for she has none of that. There is the unexpected bruising, the moments of coming home and she is laying on the kitchen floor saying "why can't I get up and where have you been"... I would have come if I had known.
For me that is the worst side effect, is being away when she needs me, and there is no way for her to tell me or for me to know. For I would rush home if I could, otherwise I think all is fine. Or do I expect the worse and create all kinds of situations to the point of I will never leave the house?
Last night we had another one... unknown pain, nausea, general upset... that she could not communitcate to me. All that really needed to be done was to lay down and take a nap, but she could not relax long enough to do that. It might not solve all the problems in the world but it sure helps. Only I couldn't explain that to her. For some reason being in the car seemed to make her feel better, I don't know if it is the same theory as a colicky baby, the vibration of the car... though she was still restless, she did seem better.
BUT not being spring or summer or fall, it was too cold to sit in the car all night... back inside she could not settle down, so after another 15 min we headed off to the ER Vet. I didn't really care to find out why she had pain, it was the cancer, there is no real solution. There were other issues we could have worked up and addressed. Basically she was not doing well and needed something to help her rest and sleep. For sleep heals all. In time they checked a few levels, and few images... and all is still "normal" go figure... she presents as a Dog doing a great job on Chemo. But the big ole black bruise on her inner leg, of unknown origin and Her restlessness couldn't really be explained.
Yet I am a realist in many ways (and a dreamer too)... I didn't care for a full explanation, it was the cancer is enough for me. My question is how to we make it go away so she does not feel the pain, being uncomfortable, restlessness.... They gave her a stronger pain killer and home we went, $500 for Buprenex & Benedryl basically, but we knew that and tried to put it off, only it was Sunday....
Anyways after about an hour she slept, a good snoring sleep, a deep sleep where I could get up and do the dishes and she wouldn't move abit. That went on for 2 hours and a good thing it did, for it was needed.
No, she is not totally well, it is a quiet night of resting, sleeping, and lying around. Who knows what any of that means, but just like when you get a cold or flu, a good night's sleep helps all.
Today I thought to myself and I know I have come to that acceptance... that if this moment is the end of all our moments then I am ready. I can let go, not sure I truly can... but she is dying, and I can accept that. I still hold on to our dream (the wish our heart makes) of getting through the next 20 weeks with no issues and having 3 years of remission to run and play and live again. I am not ready to let go of that dream, but I am ready to accept that tonight I might have to decide that enough is enough. I accept that I might have to make that decision, but I am not ready to do it too lightly.
There is the other side too, the ones that I know in my heart will support me in what I decide to do. Those people are likely the ones that will be standing beside me when I make that hard choice in life. For they have stood beside me before. Yet, while I understand what they are saying, I appreciate their honesty, but right now I am not ready to travel that road yet. It will get worse before it gets better and right now what is better is not that direction, not yet. I have too much hope and faith in my heart still. God has not told me that enough is enough. For I will know when that moment has come, I have faith in that.
We have tried, we gave it a shot, we are still trying, we want to give it another shot... but what God wills is what will be... I just pray that I understand his will and have the strength...  For I truly am not ready to do this yet, but I know that when I am, if I need it that room will be filled with Many people (all of you) to help stand by me on this journey....
May we not have to walk along that path just yet.

It is not a straight line from Here to There....

Life is a journey. Two roads diverged in the wood, and I took the one less traveled. I take solace in these statements and the many more that talk about how the trials and tribulations make the journey worth more than the end. All of those moments have given me faith.
Faith - belief that it will happen, it will work out, it will be what is to be. For some reason that still is not fully revealed to me and I can not explain, I have faith. I have that gut feeling that it will be alright, it will work out, and yet when, perhaps, it does not work out the way it is suppose to be, I have faith that it is working out this way because this is the way it should be. I have had to develop this in my life for life goes on even when you just want it to stop.
IF everything worked out the way I wanted it, I would be a Veterinarian, I would be a Doctor, I would have graduated the top of my class, I would be a Prima Ballerina, I would be married with 5 kids. I would be living on my farm with my dogs, my horses, cows, a few pigs, and chickens. It would all be the way I planned it in kindergarten.
YET, it is not a straight line from here to there. There are right turns, left turns, bends in the road and perhaps a mountain or two and a cliff I've walked away from once or twice. Some of these I have taken on my own accord and some of these were not of my choosing. But I have discovered over time and my long years that I am just where I am suppose to be in life. All those twist and turns in the road, the brick walls and creeks to ford, have brought me to be the person I am. Someone who still believes somehow, someway, it will work out the way I dreamed it would be.
That all being said the past few weeks I have been on a roller coaster, Miss Maggie got sick Christmas Day night, she went to the Vet ER and recovered rather well, quickly and very positively. Only we had the diagnosis of Cancer. Lymphoma to be specific, and yet also general as there is no specific tumor or location, she just has cancer. Now see earlier last year we were working on her skin condition, finally getting that under control on long term prednisone, which has it's share of side affects that occur with long term use (long term meaning 3-5 years, we shall be lucky for that amount of time). There were lumps, bumps that occured, but we would address them later, turns out later is now. No, we haven't tested them, but then who really cares apparently something is cancerous and well we are treating it. I might be crazy, overly hopeful, but well I feel she deserves a chance. On basic prednisone she has a few months at best. On another treatment that is not very effective to this type of cancer she has 6 months and quite a few of them sick. On Chemo she has a shot for remission for 10-15 months. I know not a whole lot... but well it is alot longer than a few months. We shall see how it goes, how she tolerates it, how much pain she is in.... for it is all about her, not me (even though I am not ready to let go just yet either). I might be crazy, I think I am, but there is farther along this path in the woods that Maggie and I am to travel, there is something more that we are to learn, to do, to find. And just a few more tennis balls that need to be collected just yet.